JokzBlog.com

What do you get if you cross
a giant, hairy
monster with a penguin?
I don’t know but it’s a very tightfitting
tuxedo.

written by Jokester

Why did a man’s
pet vulture not make a sound
for five years?
It was stuffed.

written by Jokester

Teacher: What’s a robin?
Fred: A bird that
steals, ma’am.

written by Jokester

What do you call a vulture with no
beak?

A head banger.

written by Jokester

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if
they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls (bagels, get
it?).

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to
take ballet lessons?
“He wanted to be a hentertainer.”

written by Jokester

What kind of doctor does a duck
visit?
A
Ducktor.

written by Jokester

Chicken to turkey: “Only Thanksgiving and

Christmas???
You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken cross
the road in
Missouri?
To show the opossum it could be done.

written by Jokester

How many ducks would there be,
if you saw two
ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two
ducks, and two
ducks behind two ducks?

Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a
row.

written by Jokester

A couple of pigeons made a
date to meet on
the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The
female was
there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
“Where were you? I
was worried sick.”
“It was such nice day, I decided to walk.”

written by Jokester

“Look at that speed!”
said one hawk to
another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their
heads.
“Hmph!”
snorted the other. “You would fly fast too if your tail was
on
fire!”

written by Jokester

What’s a parrot’s favourite song?
I love
Parrots in the Springtime!

written by Jokester

Why is politics for the birds?
Because
politiciands always parrot the same old lines!

written by Jokester

Why did the
bird join he air force?
He
wanted to be a parrot trooper!

written by Jokester

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A
carrot!

written by Jokester

Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting
“Pieces of
four”?
Short John Silver!

written by Jokester

What is a parrot?
A wordy birdy!

written by Jokester

Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken
!

written by Jokester

What is the definition of a goose ?
An animal
that grows down as it grows up !

written by Jokester

What goes ‘peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang’
?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !

written by Jokester

What did the baby
chick say when he saw his
mother sitting on an orange ?
‘Dad, dad, look what marma-laid’
!

written by Jokester

How do you stop a rooser crowing
on Sunday ?

Eat him on Saturday !

written by Jokester

What kind of bird lays electric eggs ?
A
battery hen !

written by Jokester

What do you get from a drunk chicken ?
Scotch
eggs !

written by Jokester

Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out
forest fires !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a chicken
with a
cement mixer ?
A brick-layer !

written by Jokester

Why does a rooster watch TV ?
For
hentertainment !

written by Jokester

What happens when geese land in a volcano ?

They cook their own gooses !

written by Jokester

Why were the hens lying on their backs
with
their legs in the air ?
Because eggs were going up !

written by Jokester

How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy
it.

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross an eagle with a
skunk?
A bird that stinks to high heaven.

written by Jokester

What does an educated owl say?
Whom.

written by Jokester

What do confused owls say?

Too-whit-to-why?

written by Jokester

What did the baby owl’s parents say when he
wanted
to go to a party?
You’re not owld enough.

written by Jokester

What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang
Syne.

written by Jokester

What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.

written by Jokester

Two owls were playing pool.
One said, “Two
hits.”
The other replied, “Two hits to who?”

written by Jokester

What is the difference between a fly and a bird
?
A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird !

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the chicken say,
“Meow, oink,
bow-wow, and moo?”
A: He was studying foreign languages.

written by Jokester

My parrot lays square eggs but
can only say
one word.
What’s that?
Ouch!

written by Jokester

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.

written by Jokester

Where do the cleverest parrots live?
In the
brain tree forests!

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a bee with a

parrot?
An animal that’s always telling you how busy it is!

written by Jokester

Why are there no
aspirin in the
jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

written by Jokester

What is a parrot’s favorite
game?
Hide
and Speak!

written by Jokester

Where do blind parrots go for treatment?
The
Birds Eye counter!

written by Jokester

What profession did the parrot get into when it

swallowed the clock?
Politics

written by Jokester

What’s the definition of a Parapet?
Pet
parrot kept by parachutist!

written by Jokester

What’s the definition of Parity?
Two parrots
exactly the same!

written by Jokester

What geometric figure is like a runaway

parrot?
A polygon .

written by Jokester

Teacher: What’s the definition of a
Polygamist?
Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

written by Jokester

What did the parrot say when he was using the

Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

written by Jokester

What’s the definition of Polystyrene?
A
plastic parrot!

written by Jokester

What do you call a parrot when it has dried
itself
after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!

written by Jokester

What do you call the place where parrots make

films?
Pollywood!

written by Jokester

What did the parrot say on Independence
Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!

written by Jokester

What did the rich socialite’s parrot
say?
Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!

written by Jokester

What did the parrot say
when he saw a
duck?
Polly want a quacker!

written by Jokester

Which bird ran for President?
H. Ross
Parrot

written by Jokester

Why do parrots carry umbrellas?
So they don’t
become polly-saturated!

written by Jokester

How can you tell if a parrot
is
intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!

written by Jokester

What’s a parrot’s favourite
game?
Monopoly!

written by Jokester

What are a parrot’s favourite literary
characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken cross the “net” ?
It
wanted to get to the other site !

written by Jokester

What do you call a rooster who
wakes you up
at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !

written by Jokester

Why does a chicken coop have two doors
?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

written by Jokester

How long do
chickens work ?
Around the
cluck !

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken end up in the soup
?
Because it ran out of cluck !

written by Jokester

What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo
cluck !

written by Jokester

What happened to the chicken whose feathers were
all
pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !

written by Jokester

What do you get when you cross a chicken
with
a duck?
A bird that lays down !

written by Jokester

Why don’t chickens like people ?
They beat
eggs !

written by Jokester

Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because
talk is cheep !

written by Jokester

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She
lays hand gren-eggs !

written by Jokester

What happened when the chicken ate cement
?
She laid a sidewalk !

written by Jokester

What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of

fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken cross the road half way
?
He wanted to lay it on the line !

written by Jokester

What do chicken families do on
Saturday
afternoon?
They go on peck-nics !

written by Jokester

What did one chicken say to the other after they

walked through poison ivy ?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll
scratch yours !”

written by Jokester

Why did the chick
disappoint his mother ?

He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be !

written by Jokester

Is chicken soup good for
your health ?
Not
if you’re the chicken !

written by Jokester

What do chickens serve at birthday
parties
?
Coop-cakes !

written by Jokester

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top
of a
barn ?
An eggroll !

written by Jokester

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg
?
The bombshell !

written by Jokester

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg
?
It eggs-plodes !

written by Jokester

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road

without looking both ways?
Dead.

written by Jokester

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because
if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !

written by Jokester

What is the
strongest bird ?
A crane !

written by Jokester

What birds are found in Portugal ?
Portu-geese
!

written by Jokester

What do you call a Scottish parrot ?
A Macaw
!

written by Jokester

What do parrots eat ?
Polyfilla !

written by Jokester

What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweetment !

written by Jokester

What bird tastes just like butter ?
A stork
!

written by Jokester

What’s another name for a clever duck ?
A
wise quacker !

written by Jokester

What do owls sing when it is raining ?
‘Too
wet to woo’ !

written by Jokester

What flies through the jungle singing opera ?

The parrots of Penzance !

written by Jokester

What kind of bird opens doors ?
A kiwi !

written by Jokester

What is a duck’s favorite TV show ?
The
feather forecast !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a

shark ?
A bird that will talk you ear off !

written by Jokester

What do you call a bird that
lives
underground ?
A mynah bird !

written by Jokester

Where do birds invest their money ?
In the
stork market !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a

woodpecker ?
A bird that talks in morse code !

written by Jokester

What happens when ducks fly upside
down ?

They quack up !

written by Jokester

What happened when the owl lost his voice ?

He didn’t give a hoot !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker

with a carrier pigeon ?
A bird who knocks before delivering its
message !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a

centipede ?
A great walkie-talkie !

written by Jokester

What do you get if your budgie flies into the

blender ?
Shredded Tweet !

written by Jokester

What did they call the canary that flew into the

pastry dish ?
Tweetie Pie !

written by Jokester

What kind of birds do you usually find locked up
?
Jail-birds !

written by Jokester

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ?
Because
she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !

written by Jokester

What is the definition of Robin ?
A bird who
steals !

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court
?
He heard the referee calling fowls

written by Jokester

Why did the turkey cross the road
?
To
prove he wasn’t chicken

written by Jokester

Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross
the
road ?
Because he didn’t have enough guts

written by Jokester

Why did the chicken cross the
playground
?
To get to the other slide

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To
get to the chick across the street!

written by Jokester

Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house
he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
“Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice
boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the
parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: “What’s
your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot

named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller
Jesus.”

written by Jokester

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his
feathers are combed over to one side.

written by Jokester

What do you get if you
cross a nun and a
chicken?
A pecking order.

written by Jokester

What’s brown and white and flies all
over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

written by Jokester

What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !

written by Jokester

What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey !

written by Jokester

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?

A headbanger !

written by Jokester

When is the best time to buy budgies ?
When
they’re going cheap !

written by Jokester

How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant
bird seed !

written by Jokester

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ?
Because
they’re both full of stuffing !

written by Jokester

What do you call a very rude
bird ?
A
mockingbird !

written by Jokester

Where do birds meet for coffee ?
In a
nest-cafe !

written by Jokester

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land

safely ?
With it’s sparrowchute !

written by Jokester

What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood
Pickle !

written by Jokester

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing

hide-and-seek ?
Fowl play !

written by Jokester

Which bird is always out of breath ?
A puffin
!

written by Jokester

What’s got six legs and can fly long distances ?

Three swallows !

written by Jokester

Why did the owl, owl ?
Because the woodpecker
would peck ‘er !

written by Jokester

What do you call a crate of
ducks ?
A box
of quackers !

written by Jokester

What language do birds speak ?
Pigeon English
!

written by Jokester

How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?

Send him to polytechnic !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you cross a duck with a

firework ?
A firequaker !

written by Jokester

What is a parrot’s favorite game ?
Hide and
Speak !

written by Jokester

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On

the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know

you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I’ll break your
neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly
agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can’t get
the case closed.
“Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You
get on top baby it might be
better” Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.

After a little thought the man says “Ok we’ll both get on top see
if
that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!”

written by Jokester

David received a parrot for his birthday. This

parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and

quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto

David’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior.”

David was
astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:

“May I ask what the
chicken did?”

written by Jokester

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped
them, they’d break

written by Jokester

Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn’t chicken.

written by Jokester