JokzBlog.com

What does a clam do on
his birthday?

He shellabrates!

written by Jokester

The housewife answered a knock on the door
and found
a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
‘Excuse me
for disturbing you, ma’am,’ he said politely, ‘ but I
pass your
house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that
every
day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of

bread!’
‘That’s right.’
‘Every day you wallop him on the head
with a loaf of bread, and yet
this morning you were hitting him
with a chocolate cake….?’
‘Well, today is his birthday!’

written by Jokester

Charley wanted to buy Farley a
birthday
cake, but he couldn’t figure out how to get the cake in the

typewriter so he could type ‘Happy Birthday’

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the time
Eddy’s
sister tried to make a birthday cake ?
The candles melted in the oven.

written by Jokester

Helen: Mum, do you know what I’m going to

give you for your birthday?
Mum: No, dear, what ?
Helen: A nice
teapot.
Mum: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Helen: No you haven’t.
I’ve just dropped it.

written by Jokester

“Did you go shopping for my birthday

present?”
“Yeah, and I found the perfect thing.”
“What thing is
that?”
“Nothing!”

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the flag’s birthday?

It was a Happy one!

written by Jokester

“My birthday’s coming”
Do you know what I
need?”
“Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?”

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the tree’s
birthday?

It was a sappy one!

written by Jokester

Why won’t anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?

Because he always slobbers out the candles!

written by Jokester

“I’m giving a ’surprised’ birthday party

for you.”
“A ’surprised’. birthday party? What’s that?”

“That’s where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them

come, I’ll be surprised!”

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday?

It was a tappy one!

written by Jokester

How can you tell if an elephant’s been to
your
birthday party?
Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

written by Jokester

Why did the fat monster put
a candle on
his tummy?
He was celebrating his girthday!

written by Jokester

What do they serve at birthday
parties in
heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!

written by Jokester

What is an elf’s favourite kind of birthday

cake?
Shortcake!

written by Jokester

What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?

A birthday pheasant!

written by Jokester

“This birthday cake certainly is crunchy.”

“Maybe you should spit out the plate!”

written by Jokester

Man l: “I got my wife a VCP
for her
birthday”
Man 2: “Don’t you mean a VCR?”
Man 1: “No, a VCP . . .
Very Cheap Present!”

written by Jokester

What does a cat like
to eat on his
birthday?
Mice cream and cake!

written by Jokester

When is a birthday cake like a golf
ball?
When it’s been sliced.

written by Jokester

“Were any famous men born on your

birthday?”
“No, only little babies.”

written by Jokester

For his birthday the monster asked for a

heavy sweater.
So they gave him a sumo wrestler!

written by Jokester

Why did the boy feel warm on his

birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

written by Jokester

Why was the birthday cake as hard
as a
rock?
Because it was marble cake!

written by Jokester

Cat: “What did you get him for his

birthday?”
Dog: “Pant . . . pant!”
Cat: “Great . . . he needs a pair
of pants!”

written by Jokester

What do you always get
on your birthday?

Another year older!birt

written by Jokester

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday

cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

written by Jokester

Why did you buy me
a pair of bunny ears?

I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!

written by Jokester

Why does the monster act wild
and crazy
on his birthday?
He’s trying to age disgracefully!

written by Jokester

Why was the monster standing on his head at

the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down
cake!

written by Jokester

I’ve been shopping for
my wife’s
birthday present.
What did you get her?
A bottle of expensive toilet
water. It cost 20.
20! Why didn’t you come to my house - you could
have had some of ours
for free!

written by Jokester

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her

birthday.
How lovely!
Yes, but he only did it so as not to
have to do the washing-up. Mum’s
too frightened he’ll break it!

written by Jokester

What’s the greatest birthday
present?

Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.

written by Jokester

What did the burglar
give his wife for
her birthday?
A stole.

written by Jokester

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief
for your
birthday.
Betty: That was a kind thought. But why
didn’t you?
Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

written by Jokester

Fred: Do you
like the dictionary I bought
you for your birthday?
Harry: Sure. It’s a great present but I
just can’t find the words to
thank you enough.

written by Jokester

A man who forgets his wife’s birthday is

certain to get something to remember her by.

written by Jokester

BoyFriend: Why didn’t you
give me
anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

written by Jokester

A St. Louis mother
telephoned the capital
building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the
game
warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice
finally
said, “Hello.” “Are you the game warden?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Finally Ah’ve got the right person!” she said. “Could yaw’l gimme

some help with my son’s birthday party?”

written by Jokester

“I remember when the
candle shop burned
down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy
Birthday.’”

written by Jokester

“Artificial intelligence is a wonderful
thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that
I needed an upgrade.”

written by Jokester

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally

depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was
wrong.

“I’ll never understand women” said Joe. “The other night on my

birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I
wanted.”

“Wow! That’s quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are
you
so dejected?”

“Well I thought about it for a while” said
Joe, “and decided to send
her home to her mother, and now she
won’t even speak to me!”

written by Jokester

It was
Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and
he was still in perfect health. At
his birthday party he was asked
how he managed to live so long and stay
so fit.

He explained
“I put my long life down to spending so much time out of
doors.
I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for
the last
75th years.”

“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous
fitness regime?” we
asked.

“It’s simple” he said. “When I
married my wife 75 years ago, we
both made solemn pledge on our wedding
night. We agreed that whenever we
ever had a fight, whoever was
proved wrong would go outside and take
long walk.”

written by Jokester

What is your favourite type of birthday
present?
Another present!

written by Jokester

What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?

“Hi, Buster.”

written by Jokester

How does Moby Dick celebrate his
birthday?
He has a whale of a party!

written by Jokester

Why did you hit your birthday cake with a

hammer?
Because you said it was pound cake!

written by Jokester

What did one candle say to the

other?
“Don’t birthdays burn you up?”

written by Jokester

Why couldn’t prehistoric man send

birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

written by Jokester

Why did Davy Crockett always
wear a
coonskin cap?
It was a birthday present from his wife!

written by Jokester

Where do you find a birthday
present for
a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

written by Jokester

“I guess I didn’t get my birthday wish.”

“How do you know?”
“You’re still here!”

written by Jokester

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?

He wanted to have a birthday potty!

written by Jokester

What do you give a
nine-hundred-pound
gorilla for his birthday?
I don’t know, but you’d better hope he
likes it!

written by Jokester

What song should
you sing to a wildebeest
on his birthday?
“Happy Birthday To Gnu!”

written by Jokester

“Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat

birthday cake.”
“Next time, take off the candles.”

written by Jokester

Good news! I’ve been given a goldfish for my

birthday
. . .the bad news is that I don’t get the bowl until
my next
birthday!

written by Jokester

The housewife answered a knock on the door
and found a total
stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me
for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I
pass your
house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that
every day
you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of

bread.”
“That’s right.” “Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of

bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate

cake.” “Well, today is his birthday.”

written by Jokester

Fred: Have you noticed that your
mother
smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your
sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet
water for her
birthday.

written by Jokester

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief

for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why
didn’t you?
Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

written by Jokester

I’d like to say
something nice about you
as it’s your birthday.
Why don’t you?
Because I can’t think
of a single thing to say!

written by Jokester

A kindly old lady came across a little boy

sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What’s the matter?’
she
asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered. ‘And I had a
bicycle and a
new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party
with crisps and
jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. .
.’ and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.

‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Because I’m lost!’

written by Jokester

What did you get for your birthday?

Another year!

written by Jokester

When is your birthday?
17th January.

What year?
Every year!

written by Jokester

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same
day as his
father’s. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume
and his father a
pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a
note to his girlfriend, saying,
‘Use this all over yourself and
think of me.’

Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s
present.

written by Jokester

Something
happened to me yesterday that
will never, ever, happen to me again.
How can you be so sure?
I
was 10 years old yesterday.

written by Jokester

How old were you on your last birthday?

Eight.
And how old will you be on your next birthday?
Ten.

Oh, I don’t think that’s possible.
Oh, yes it is - I’m nine
today.

written by Jokester

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn’t 99 I’d be dead.

written by Jokester

I forgot my brother’s
birthday last
month.
What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.

written by Jokester

Will you come to my party on
Saturday?

Yes, please, What’s the address?
25 The High Street. Just push
the bell with your elbow.
Why with my elbow?
Well, you won’t be
empty-handed, will you!

written by Jokester

A man asked his wife, “What would you most

like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten
again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.

She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being

ten again?”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!”

written by Jokester

A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
“I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn’t get
her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday
present!?”
He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

written by Jokester

Home - A -
Age Jokes

“That’s an
excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English
teacher.

“How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?”

“Welcome to
school, Simon,” said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
“How old are you?” “I’m not old,” said Simon. “I’m nearly

new.”

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
“How old are you, ma’am?” asked Fred.
“I’m not going
to tell you that,” she replied.
“But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were.”

“Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “I’m the same age as both of them.”
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.

“Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science
teacher, “you can
tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year.”
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
“I’m not eating that,
Mum!” she said. “It’s five years old.”

Grandma:
You’ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.

Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.

Fred: Well, you can have mine.

How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?

An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

`That’s
right,’ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven’t an
enemy in the world. They’re all dead.’

`Well, sir,’ said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.’

The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can’t see
why you shouldn’t. You
look fit and healthy to me!’

written by Jokester

Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.

‘Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No

teeth!’

written by Jokester

First boy: Are you having a party for your
birthday?
Second boy: No, I’m having a witch do.
First boy:
What’s a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells.

written by Jokester