A Martian lands to plunder,
pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says,
“I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you
think about that?”
The owner replies, “I don’t have an
opinion. I’m a chartered
accountant.”
The accountant had just read the story of
Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a
golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital
gain?”
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to
his young child:
“No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn’t be tax
deductible, but I like your thinking”.
Wife to husband as they watch their young
son playing:
“He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until
he’s older before we
tell him you’re an accountant.”
“The auditors have just left,
sir.”
“Did they check the books?”
“Very thoroughly.”
“What
did they say?”
“They want 15% to keep quiet.”
The doctor comes to see his heart
transplant patient.
“This is good news. It is very unusual, but we
have two donors to
choose from for your new heart.”
The patient
is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?”
“One was a teacher
and the other was an accountant.”
“I’ll take the accountant’s
heart,” says the patient. “I want one
that hasn’t been used.”
The managing partner in an accounting firm
is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him
in
to chastise him.
“How could you possibly advise the client
in the way you did? That was
completely unethical. We are always
conscious of Ethics in this firm.
You do know what Ethics is don’t
you?”
The young partner is offended. “Of course I know what
Ethics is. It’s
a county in southern England.”
An auditor is checking the books of
an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to
Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an
explanation.
“It was late at night’” says the pilot, “Canberra was covered in
fog and I lost my bearings.”
“I’m sorry,” says the auditor,
“but you’ll have to bear the cost
yourself.”
“The cost of
what?” asks the pilot.
“Of the bearings you lost.”
An auditor was examining the balance sheet
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.
“Hello,” he said. “I’m the auditor. I’ve come to count the
sheep.”
A
business owner tells her friend that
she is desperately searching for an
accountant.
Her friend
asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short
while
ago?”
The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been
searching for.”
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