After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
…”
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
“Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I’ve never seen one that
short!”
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! you’re right!
That’s
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?”
“Well we
better, we’re almost out of fuel.”
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot’s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
“HEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the
captain. “That runway was SHORT!”
“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and
WIDE too!”
A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.”
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
“So? What did you do?”
“I just shut down two engines, kid.”
Little boy to airline pilot:
“You’re
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.”
Pilot:
“Not if I
do it right.”
“Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your
wings..”
“OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!”
“Flight 1234, are you
ready to copy
holding instructions?”
“Center, make that request on the next
frequency….”
On a flight
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came “Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton…and if any of you were asleep…I bet
you’re not
now!”
ATC: “Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
”
Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument
Rating.”
ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”
A husband suspects his wife is having an
affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the
husband
just knew when his wife said:
“Honey, I’ve told you
once, I’ve told you twice, I’ve told you
niner thousand times,
negative on the affair …”
A small twin-prop
commuter plane was
hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who
vowed to kill one
of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were
two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast
geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they
shouldn’t
be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1
minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are
model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and
finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the
hijacker in
tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist
who said,
“let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important
discipline…” but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who
exclaimed “Shoot
me! Shoot me!”
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