Feb 10

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.

The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she

hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always

worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess

demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly

every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.

“Tell
me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables
and said, “A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again
he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About
one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with

her.

written by Jokester

Feb 10

From a Southwest Airlines employee….
“Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if
you don’t know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn’t be out in
public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.

written by Jokester

Feb 10

According to “The Australian,” an airliner
recently encountered severe
vibration in flight.

The captain
decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the
seat belt
sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger
emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been
jogging in place
inside.

written by Jokester

Feb 10

I have a friend who is a pilot on a
747.

I said “Hi Jack.”

He shot me.

written by Jokester

Feb 10

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me

to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he
would
always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer
questions.

One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the
reserve doesn’t
open, how long do we have until we hit the
ground?”

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and
answered,
“The rest of your life.”

written by Jokester

Feb 10

An airline captain was breaking in a very

pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day’s
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn’t get out of her
room.

“You can’t get out of
your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied,
“There are only three doors in here, “she
cried,” one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says ‘Do Not
Disturb’!”

written by Jokester

Feb 10

As a crowded airliner is about to
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment

to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,

embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,

whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she ask
s
quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I
showed him my
pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose.”

written by Jokester

Feb 10

McNally was taking his first plane ride,
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. “It’s
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes,” she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. “Miss,” he said,

“I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?”

written by Jokester

Feb 10

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a

major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of

nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000

tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed
the highway!”

written by Jokester

Feb 10

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a

modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is
there to bite the captain
if he tries to touch the controls, and the
co-pilot is there to feed the
dog.

written by Jokester

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