Feb 19
Where do Martians drink beer
?
At a mars bar !
Feb 19
An angry wife was
complaining
about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night
he
took her along.
“What’ll ya have?” he asked.
“Oh, I
don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband
ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in
one
gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t
know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried
the husband. “And you think I’m out
enjoying myself every
night!”
Feb 19
What happened when the
barman died?
The police held an inn-quest
Feb 18
The local bar was so sure
that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.)
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man
came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like
to try the bet”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartend
er paid the $1000, and asked the
little man “what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?”
The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”
Feb 18
Q: What did
the
bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
A: Ok
you 2, dont start anything
Feb 18
It was Halloween and three
vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. “What will
you
have?” the bartender asked.
“I’ll have a glass of
blood,” the first replied.
“I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,”
said the second.
“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third.
“OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two
bloods and a blood light?”
Feb 18
Twenty-four hours in a
day… twenty-four
beers in a case… coincidence?
Feb 18
One day a drunk walked into
a bar and
ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured
the rest on the
bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the
drunk by the collar, pulled him
close to his face, and asked,
“Why did you do that?”
The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so
very sorry sir. Please
forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an
illness I can’t get rid of. I am
so ashamed of it. How can I make it up
to you?”
The bartender answered,
“Haven’t you seen anyone
about this problem?”
The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe
I will.”
The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get
help,” and the
drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came
back to the same bar, ordered
another gin and tonic, drank half of
it, and poured the rest of it on
the bartender.
The bartender
shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until
you got
help!”
The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”
Feb 18
A guy walks
into a
tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man
playing
the piano, so he asked the bartender, “What’s that all
about?”
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
asked
the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, “Before you get
your
drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one
wish.”
“Okay,” said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and
rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, “You
have
one wish.”
The guy thought about it and then wished for
a million bucks. A cloud
of smoke filled the room, and then both
the genie and the guy
disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy
reappeared back in the bar with a million
ducks all around him.
The
guy was astounded and said to the bartender, “Hey! I didn’t want
a
million ducks.” The bartender replied, “Do you think I wanted a
twelve-inch Pianist?”
Feb 18
A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes
over immediately.
When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is
full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking
his face with both
hands.
“Actually, no,” he
replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I
can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
“Is there
anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a
message,” she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck
them gently. “Tell him that there is no
toilet paper in the ladies
room.”