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A motorway walks
into a
pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink.
He
just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway
sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the
bar and ducks
down so it won’t see him. The barman looks down at him
and says,
“What’s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You’ve got
six
lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of

tarmac?

The motorway replies, “You don’t know him like I do.
He’s a
cyclepath.”

written by Jokester

The bartender asks the guy
sitting at the bar, “What’ll you
have?” The guy answers, “A scotch,
please.” The bartender hands him
the drink, and says “That’ll be
five dollars,” to which the guy
replies, “What are you talking
about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby
and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, “You
know, he’s got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes
a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of
remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the
guy, “Okay, you beat
me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you
in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, “What the
heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe
you’ve got the audacity to
come back!”

The guy says, “What
are you talking about? I’ve never been in this
place in my l
ife!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is

uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you.
Make it a scotch.”

written by Jokester

A brain walks into a bar and

says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks
at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” askes the
brain.

“You’re already out of your head.”

written by Jokester

One night, this guy come
into a
bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for
another. After
a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into
a fight,” explained the guy “and now she
isn’t talking to me for a
whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good
thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked
the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night.”

written by Jokester

A man had been out in the

back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t

smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for
a few
beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the
town’s football team. He was
bragging about his girlfriend and how she
was lucky to have him for a
boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after
drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say,
“Buddy, if she went
out with me, she’d never go out with you ever
again.”

To
which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you,

she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”

written by Jokester

A regular at Bob’s Bar

came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that

appeared extremely painful.

“Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender.
“Who gave those beauties to you?”

“Nobody gave them to me,” said
Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for
both of them.”

written by Jokester

A man walks into a bar and
has a couple of beers. Once
he is donem the bartender tells him he
owes $9.00.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that
the
bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same
stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid,
I’ll take your word for
it.”

Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells
him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny
thing
happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries
that is going to get
punched right in the nose.”

“Don’t
bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.
“Just
give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

written by Jokester

It seems a gentleman had too

much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a

state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a
straight
line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out
a ticket
and had just given it to the driver before an accident in
the opposite
lane took his attention to more important
matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming
back to
him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the
morning by a
knock at the door, created by two more state
troopers.

“Are you Mr. Johnson?” the asked? He admitted that he
was.

“Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the

influence?” Again, the man admitted that was he.

“And what did
you do then,” the troopers asked.” The man replied
that he drove his
car home and went to bed.

“Where is your car now?” the t
roopers enquired. The man answered that
it was in the
garage.

“May we see the car?” asked the troopers. The man answered, “Sure,”

and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state
troopers car.

written by Jokester

The drunk was

floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into

a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”

“A
mongoose.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes,
and I’m scared to death of snakes.
That’s why I got this mongoose, for
protection.”

“But,”
the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of
the
box, “So is the mongoose.”

written by Jokester

A man drinks a shot of
whiskey every
night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him
to quit; she
gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the
other with
whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had
the glasses, she brings his
bait box. She says “I want you to see
this.” She puts a worm in the
water it, and it swims
around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then

says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have
to
say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I
drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

written by Jokester