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Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician
and she was driving
him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and
insisted on carrying beauty
products in a little field bag - nail polish,
hair care products, gels,
creams and so on.

One day they
were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road
when a big
rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben
pulls
over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there

was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature.

His blonde
partner pipes in and yells, “Waite, I have just the

thing!”

She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty

products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally
she
races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with
it’s
contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves
goodbye, hops a
few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe
ats this strange
behavior…wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears
over the hill.

Ben is amazed and asks, “What in the world is in
that can?”

The blonde biologists says, ” Duh…look at the
label”

You guessed it….

“Hair Spray …. Immediately
revives dead hair and creates a permanent
wave”

written by Jokester

A logger is driving down the highway and
sees two botanists
trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is
not long enough so one botanist stands on the
shoulders of the other
and attempts to extend the tape to the tree
top but it is not long
enough. While trying, he falls to the
ground. They attempt this about five
times and each time the top botanist
falls. The logger is laughing but
feels sorry for the pair, gets
out of his truck, takes out an electric
saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is
crazy. He then takes a
tape measure and measures the tree. “OK guys,
the tree is 14′ 6.”
He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two
botanists are
stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other
,”How do you
like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree
and that
stupid jerk measures the width.”

written by Jokester

Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska

studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on
the
ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the
small town
and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the
only bar in town.

On one particular day it was 40 below zero and
Garvin made his way into
the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a
whiskey.

“I don’t know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big
bill in here.” The
bartender told him.
” I know,” Garvin replied,
“But I’m flat broke, and I sure could
use a drink.
“OK,” The
barkeep told him, “I’ll just write your tab down on the
piece of
paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.”
“Oh no, don’t do that, I
don’t want everyone in town to see it.
“Don’t worry,” The bartender
replied, “I’m going to cover it up
with your parka until its
paid!”

written by Jokester

An 8th grade boy was doing some
research
for his career report at school. He asks his dad, “Father, how
many
wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?”

“The
honest father replies, “Oh, I would say at least half of
‘em.”

written by Jokester

A University had advertised for two
biologists to help in their
mammalogy department, specifically with a group
of captive grizzly bears.
They had only two applicants - a
beautiful young women biologist and an
older male biologist.

The
mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can
handle
working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their

skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen.

He first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest
bear
walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished
mammalogist then said to the old man, “Can you
do that?”

“You’re darn right I can,” said the old man, “just get that bear
out of
there first !”

written by Jokester

A wildlife biologist is working in the
woods,
miles from the nearest town. He’s camped alone with his dog and
cat as
his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small
limp dog,
franticly runs into his camp.
“Please, please help
me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our
Winnebago is parked
just around the bend and we’ve seen you camped
here. We didn’t
know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen
all this
scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?”
” Sir, I’m
not a vet, I’m a wildlife biologist,” the young
biologist told the
worried man.
“Can you please just have a look at him, I’ll pay you
anything you
need. I just need to know. If he’s still alive, maybe
I can rush him
into town.”
“Ok, put him here on the table.” The
young biologist looks the limp
dog over, but its plain that the dog
is dead,, no pulse or signs of
breathing.

“I’m sorry
sir, but I’m afraid poor Willie is dead.”
“No, I can’t believe
that….. It can’t be true…are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m quite
sure.”
“I just can’t believe that….With all this equipment, isn’t
there
something you can do? I must be absolutely sure.”
The
biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat
walked
around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then
looks
up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.
“Well, the cat say
he’s dead. Does that assure you?”
“No, I need more than that…Do
you have anything else?”
The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a
few times, sniffing it every now and
then. After a few moments, the dog
barks at the biologist.
“Well,
now the dog says he’s dead. That’s all I can do for you

sir.”
“OK, well I guess its true. I’ll take him back and bury him…How

much do I owe you?”
“It’ll be $650 bucks.” The biologist tells
the old man.
“What??”, replied the old man, “How can you charge
that much??!!”
“Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a
dollar, but
you’re the one that insisted on the cat scan and the
lab tests!”

written by Jokester

A
young biologist was sitting on a stump
at the edge of their camp. On his
face was the saddest hangdog
expression. One of the other biologists
saw his sad looks and asked,
“What’s the matter?”

The young biologist said, “They put me in
the same tent with old
Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a
bath once a month, and talks
non-stop about back when he studied
passenger pigeons. He’s so damn old,
I think he was a lackey for
Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my
life Hell. We had a big
fight about it and they split us up for a
month”

The older
biologist said, “That should make you happy.”

The young biologist
sadly shook his head and said, “Not when the month
is up today!”

written by Jokester

There were these two Engineers who decided

they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As
it
happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they
were
about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time
dragging the
animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist
happened upon them.

He said, “You know, the hair follicles on a moose
have a grain to them
that causes the hair to lie toward the back.
The way you are dragging
that
moose, it increases your coefficient
of friction by a huge margin. If
you
grab it by the antlers and
pull, you will find the work required to be
quite
minimal.”

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the

antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, “I can’t believe how
easy
it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran
across that
Biologist.”

“Yeah.”, said the other. “But we’
re getting further and further
away from our truck.”

written by Jokester

A biologist from the North Pole was showing
a new
recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The
new
recruit said, “I know how the transmitters work, but I have one

question–how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?” “I
bet you use
high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?”
“Oh
no!” the experienced biologist replied, “we use an ancient
Eskimo
technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the

ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.

Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a
polar
bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole
!!!”

written by Jokester

A
group of goose biologists were meeting
to brainstorm about the migration
tactics of Canada geese. They
were particularly interested in applying
for a $100,000 Federal grant
to investigate the “V” formation of goose
flight. It had been
observed that one side of the “V” is always
longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research
proposal to apply for the
$100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this
happens.

To
start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands

up and says in typical consultant fashion, “I say we ask for $200,000,

and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our

geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff

meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal
CAD
department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing
tip vortices.
Then, after several years of study, our in-house
publications department
could produce a nice thick report full of
charts and graphs.”

The Senior Research Biologist, a professor
at the local university,
cleared his throat and responded, “No, no!,
That’s not it at all. We
only need $150,000. We can train a group
of domesticated geese to fly in
formations of equal length and then
compare their relative fitness to
wild geese. We can then publish
the results in the Journal of Wildlife
Management.

About
then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins
walking for
the door. “Where are you going?” the group asks. “I’m
leaving” he
replies, “I’ve heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to

find out that the reason one side of the “V” is longer is simply

because there are more damn geese on that side!”

written by Jokester