May 13
Did you hear someone has invented a
coffin that just covers the head?
It’s for people like you who’re
dead from the neck up!
May 13
The man who
was about to die said
to the Sheriff,
“Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?”
“Course not,” replied the Sheriff.
“We just put the rope round
your neck and kick the horse away. After
that it’s up to you.”
May 13
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher
were
sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from
his cell
and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The
soldiers
panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The
shopkeeper was led
out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted
“Flood!” and escaped. The
teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim
and the teacher,
remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted
“Fire!”
May 13
At the inquest
into her husband’s
death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the
coroner if she
could remember her husband’s last words.
“Yes,” she replied. “He
said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make
a profit from selling
this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…”
May 13
A man
is calling on his best friend
to pay a condolence call the day after the
friend’s wife has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to
go in
and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house,
the man
discovers his friend in the living room kissing a
mate.
“Jack”, says the man, “Your wife just died yesterday!!” His friend
looks up and says, “In this grief, do you think I know what I’m
doing?”
May 13
“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the
teacher. ”
‘Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. .
.”
“Fred,” said the teacher. “You must have known that Wisk’s bad
for
parrots.”
“Oh it wasn’t the Wisk that killed it, sir. It
was the tumble
drier.”
May 13
Doctor, doctor, I’m at death’s door!
Don’t worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you
through.
May 13
What kind of ghosts haunt operating
theatres?
Surgical spirits.
May 13
How do you make a Venetian
blind?
Poke him in the eye
May 13
My brother’s a professional boxer.
Heavyweight ?
No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !