Jul 30

Three college football coaches were

flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three
died.
They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God
motioned
for one of them to come into the clouds.

God
wanted to know three things: “Who are you? What did you do? What
did
people think of you?”

The first coach said, “I’m Joe Paterno. I
coached Penn State from
1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl
victories, 2 national
championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times.
The people of Pennsylvania think
I’m great.”

God said,
“Fine, Joe, stand at my right side.”

The next person said, “I’m
Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State
University from 1980 to 2000.
I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14
bowl games without a loss
and won a national championship after beating
Nebraska. The people
of Florida think I’m great.”

God said, “Fine, Bobby, stan
d at my left side.”

The third coach stood before God and said,
“I’m Bob Stoops. I took
over a storied Oklahoma program that had
won 6 national championships and
held many NCAA records but had
fallen to the lowest of the low. In the
3 years prior to me taking over
the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season
in 102 years of football),
4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and
not beating Colorado or
Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached
the Sooners for a
season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating
a top-15
Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a
bowl game.
7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took
the
Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10

Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14.

Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were
in
the driver’s seat for the national championship, and th
e people of
Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair.”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

An accountant dies and
goes to
Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual

questionnaire.

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St
Peter

“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his
name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

“Oh, yes.
We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted
span,”
says St Peter.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too
young to go. I’m
only forty-eight”

“No, that’s impossible.

“Why do you say that?”

“Well we’ve been looking at your
time sheets and the hours you’ve
charged your clients. By our
reckoning you’re at least ninety
three.”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

In Heaven:
The cooks are
French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers
are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are
English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are
French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

written by Jokester

Jul 30

A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. “Then what’s the difference,” he
asks.

Satan smiles. “Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies.”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

Morty the producer dies and goes to

purgatory. The agent behind the counter says “So Morty, what’s it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?” Morty asks, “What’s the difference?” Sid
says
“Take a look at the monitor over here.”

Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says “Well that’s nice. Pretty boring but nice. What’s
Hell
like?”

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and
laughing and singing and generally having a great
time.

“This is great!” says Morty. “I think I’ll try Hell.” Sid
directs
him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down
arrow. Morty
does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look
s around
from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are
people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning
and suffering.
There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing
their skin. Its
horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button
and goes right back to
Sid.”

“What is this!? Hell is nothing
like you showed me on the monitor! It
was awful down there!”

Sid says, “You mean that monitor?”

“Yes,” says Morty.

“Oh, well, that was just the pilot.”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

A doctor, an engineer, and a

fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he’d
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.

The engineer told how he’d built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said “You’ve already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven.”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

written by Jokester

Jul 30

A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas.”

“The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you
?”

written by Jokester

Jul 30

Jay:
Does the Bible say that if
you smoke you can’t get to
heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke
the quicker you’ll get there.

written by Jokester

Jul 30

Why did the angel lose her job?

She had harp failure.

written by Jokester

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