Jul 30
How do angels greet each other?
They say, Halo.
Jul 30
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new
arrival.
“How did you get here?” he asked.
And the new angel
replied, “Flu…”
Jul 30
A famous professor of surgery
died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the
gatekeeper: ‘Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?’ ‘Yes,’ the
professor ansvered. ‘When I was a young candidate at the hospital of
Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community
Hospital,
and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee
did not se it
so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.’
‘Well,’ said
the gatekeeper. ‘That is a very minor sin. You may
enter.’ ‘Thank
you very much, Saint Peter,’ the professor
ansvered. ‘Im am not Saint
Peter,’ said the gatekeeper. ‘He is having
his lunchbreak. I am Saint
Lucas.’
Jul 30
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about
baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and
his own hand-picked boys. “Very
well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But you realize, I hope, that
we’ve got all the good players and
the best coaches.” “I know, and
that’s all right,” Satan answered
unperturbed. “We’ve got all the
umpires.”
Jul 30
What do you call the queue of Software
Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !
Jul 29
Two men died and went to Heaven. St.
Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy,
“I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!”
“No
problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And
what
do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like
to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
“You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!”
Jul 29
A fellow finds himself in front of
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in
heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.
Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter
was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help.
Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
Jul 29
Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find
his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil
over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan
agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
“Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!”
“Yeah? What if I don’t?”
replied the devil.
“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered
God.
“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a
lawyer?”
Jul 29
Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.
They are all asked,
“When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow.”
The
last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s
moving!”
Jul 29
Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
“They’re
Carol’s.”