Aug 30
Judge: Doctor, how
many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Aug 30
Jury: Twelve men and women
trying to decide
which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your
favor.
Aug 30
How many judges does it take to
change a
light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves
around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do
it.
Aug 30
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged
with a
traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench. “Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear
before this court,” he
smiled
with delight. “Now sit down at that
table and write ‘I will not pass
through
a red light’ five
hundred times.”
Aug 30
Mr. Schneider stood up in court.
“As God is
my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money.”
Glaring down at
him, the judge replied, “He’s not. I am. You
do.”
Aug 30
Judge to witness: “And where was the location of
the
accident?”
Witness: “Approximately milepost
499.”
Judge:: “And where is milepost 499?”
Witness: “About halfway
between milepost 498 and milepost
500.”
Aug 30
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in
this
case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away
from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at
work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Aug 30
A lawyer passed on and
found himself in
Heaven,
but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his
assignment. The
lawyer immediately advised that he intended
to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting
at least three years
before his appeal could be
heard. The lawyer protested that a
three-year wait
was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal
to be heard in a few days, if the
lawyer was willing
to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: “Why
can
appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?”
The devil answered: “We
have all of the judges.”
Aug 30
At night court, a man was brought in and set
before the judge.
The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and
the charge.”
The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician,
charged with
battery.”
The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!”