JokzBlog.com

What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH
OH NO!

written by Jokester

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With
his North Pole-aroid.

written by Jokester

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

written by Jokester

What is the difference between the Christmas

alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has
NO EL.

written by Jokester

What was wrong with the boy’s
brand new
toy electric train set he
received for Christmas?
Forty feet of
track - all straight!

written by Jokester

What was so good about he
neurotic doll
the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.

written by Jokester

Once upon a time there was a little girl who

wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten
and
parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before
Christmas
and gave it to the little girl.

‘You’re getting
your Christmas present a week early this year,’ her
mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten.
‘Is that what
you want?’

The little girl said, ‘It’s wonderful,
mother…just what I wanted.
There’s just one thing wrong!’

‘What’s that?’ her mother asked.

‘Well, it has a cute little claw
on the outside of every paw and
another little claw on the inside
of every paw - but the poor little thing
has no claws at all in the
middle of its paws!’

Her mother smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Kitty.
When you wake up on Christmas
morning you’ll find the claws are
there.’

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie
d about the claws in
the middle of its paws. The days passed and
there wasn’t even a hint, a
clue or an inkling of claws in the
middle of its paws.

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still
no sign, Kitty went to
her mother and asked again, ‘Are you
absolutely sure that the kitten
will have its middle claws tomorrow?
There’s only a few hours to go and
there’s not a hint or clue or an
inkling as to claws as far as I can
see.’

‘Wait till you
wake up on Christmas morning,’ her mother smiled and
went on
stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she
woke up on Christmas
morning she ignored the presents in her
stocking and rushed downstairs to
look at her little kitten.

She
was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her

kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if

by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent’s bedroom. ‘Mummy
, Mummy! The kitten has
grown its middle claws!’

‘Of
course it has,’ her mother grinned.

‘But how did you know?’
Kitty demanded.

Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, ‘Oh,
Kitty, everybody
knows that Centre-claws always comes at
Christmas!’

written by Jokester

It was Christmas
eve, and Santa was
really busy making his list and checking it twice, when
there came a
knock at the door. His wife comes in. “Honey, where do
you want me to
put your boots and gloves?” Well, Santa is very busy and
so he’s
slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her,
“Put
them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I’m trying to get

some work done.”

He starts back to work, but a few minutes later
an elf barges in.
“Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should
we do with them?” Santa
snaps, “Stick ‘em in the sleigh! Can’t
you see I’m trying to get
ready? I don’t want any more
interruptions!”

But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there
is another
interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says,
“Santa, I have your
Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?”

And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange
l on top of
the Christmas tree.

written by Jokester

“Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas

tie?” “He said it was too tight.”

written by Jokester

Why was Santa’s little helper

depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

written by Jokester

What do you get if you deep fry Santa

Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

written by Jokester

What’s the most popular wine at
Christmas?
“I don’t like sprouts!”

written by Jokester

Who brings the Christmas presents to

police stations?
Santa Clues.

written by Jokester

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It’s in
Decembrrrrr.

written by Jokester

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer
now
works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true….Comet cleans
sinks!

written by Jokester

Why does Santa Claus only have seven

reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly
Hills.

written by Jokester

Why is
Christmas just like a day at the
office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
the
credit.

written by Jokester

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they
were looking out their front
window?
“Looks like rein dear”

written by Jokester

What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas
song?
Jungle bells.

written by Jokester

How long does it take to burn a candle down
?
About a wick !

written by Jokester

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at
Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

written by Jokester

One time Father Christmas lost his
underpants.
That’s how he got the name Saint Knickerless!

written by Jokester

What does Father Christmas call his money
?
Iced lolly ?

written by Jokester

I remember when Father Christmas first
passed his
sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the
toy factory.’Have
you passed?’ I asked.
Father Christmas pointly
proudly to the front of the sleigh. ‘See for
yourself!’ he called
proudly. ‘No-el plates!’

written by Jokester

A group of mountain
climbers once heard
Father Christmas go past.
They must have had sharp ears!
They
were mountain-ears!

written by Jokester

Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to

go out there and clear the snow!
I’m on my way, Father
Christmas.
Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on!
That’s all
right! There’s only one foot of snow!

written by Jokester

I’ve had a slight
accident with your
sleigh, Father Christmas!
Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in
mint condition!
That’s all right….now it’s a mint with a
hole!

written by Jokester

What does Dracula write on his Christmas

cards ?
Best vicious of the season

written by Jokester

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas

?
A merry Christmas to ewe

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us

oranges every Christmas. Now I think I’m turning into an
orange!
Have you tried playing squash?

written by Jokester

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our
chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use
to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

written by Jokester

Last year’s Christmas pudding was so

awful I threw it in the ocean.
That’s probably why the ocean’s full
of currants!

written by Jokester

What can Santa give away and still keep?

A cold.

written by Jokester

ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my
pencil! What
should I do?
SANTA: Use a pen.

written by Jokester

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North
Polish.

written by Jokester

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child,
what would
he be called?
A subordinate claus.

written by Jokester

Why does Santa’s sled get such good
mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

written by Jokester

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

written by Jokester

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa
Claus?
MIKE: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

written by Jokester

ELF NO. 1: What did
Santa shout to his
toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

written by Jokester

How do sheep in Mexico say
Merry
Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

written by Jokester

Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes
Christmas
toys?
Santa’s little Elvis.

written by Jokester

Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind
his
manners the most?
“Rude”olph

written by Jokester

What is the cow’s holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas!

written by Jokester

I wouldn’t say that Christmas gnomes are

cross-eyed,
but when they cry the tears run down their back!

written by Jokester

What do gnomes fear
most about
Christmas?
They’re afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

written by Jokester

Father
Christmas: How do I stop a
Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note
between his teeth and stick his head over
the side of the
sledge.

written by Jokester

What song do Father Christmas’ gnomes sing

to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?
Freeze a
jolly good fellow!

written by Jokester

What’s a ghosts favourite Christmas

entertainment ?
A phantomime !

written by Jokester

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step

on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You
certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I’m back in the
right
row!

written by Jokester

Father Christmas: All right, my good lady,
my face is my ticket.
Box office attendant: Then you’d better watch
out… there’s a feller
inside who has the job of punching the
tickets.

written by Jokester

Father Christmas:
What’s your favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one about the ghost that steals
porridge!
Father Christmas: You mean ‘Ghoul-di-locks’!

written by Jokester

Father Christmas:I
like the story about
the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to

Granny.
Elf: That’s Little Red Robin Hood’!

written by Jokester

Father Christmas: What’s your
favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared
of the Big Bad Wolf
and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You
mean ‘The Three Little Figs’.

written by Jokester

Elf: My favourite film is about the man who

casts spells in the middle of a swamp.
Father Christmas: That’s
called ‘The Wizard of Ooze’!

written by Jokester

Someone
bought Scrooge a clock for
Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
Why did he do that?
He was
trying to save time!

written by Jokester

What’s Scrooge’s favourite Christmas

game?
Mean-opoly.

written by Jokester

What’s a hairdressers’s favourite
Christmas song?
‘Oh comb all ye faithful’

written by Jokester

A football supporter’s favourite

Christmas song?
‘Yule never walk alone’

written by Jokester

A rabbit’s favourite Christmas
song?
‘Lettuce with a gladsome mind’

written by Jokester

Who delievers cat’s Christmas
presents
?
Santa Paws !

written by Jokester

Who delievers elephants’s Christmas
presents?
Elephanta Claus !

written by Jokester

What game do reindeer play in their
stalls?
Stable-tennis!

written by Jokester

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the
beach ?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

written by Jokester

What reindeer can jump higher than a
house?
They all can! Houses can’t jump!

written by Jokester

‘Father Christmas has two
reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell
me
why he does that!’
‘Oh, yes I can.’ the elf said.
‘Because
tow ‘Eds are better than one, of course!’

written by Jokester

‘Father
Christmas has two reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I
bet you can’t tell me
why he does that!’
‘Oh, yes I can.’ the elf said.
‘Because
tow ‘Eds are better than one, of course!’

written by Jokester

Dear Father
Christmas, this Christmas
could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock
Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear
watson.

written by Jokester

Dear Father Christmas, could you please

send me some Crocodile shoes!.
Father Christmas: Can’t do that one.
He hasn’t said what size his
crocodile takes!

written by Jokester

What’s Christmas called in England
?
Yule Britannia !

written by Jokester

What bird has wings but cannot
fly
?
Roast turkey !

written by Jokester

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas

cake ?
Your teeth !

written by Jokester

What do vampires put on their turkey at
Christmas ?
Grave-y !

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It
was looking forward to Christmas!

written by Jokester

How to cats greet each other at

Christmas ?
“A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year” !

written by Jokester

Father Christmas lost
his umbrella but
he didn’t get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn’t raining!

written by Jokester

What do you get hanging from Father

Christmas’ roof?
Tired arms!

written by Jokester

How do you make a slow reindeer fast
?
Don’t feed it !

written by Jokester

Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a
cricket
match?
Because they’re both stopped by the rein.

written by Jokester

What does Father Christmas
call that
reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!

written by Jokester

What did Adam say on the day before
Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve !

written by Jokester

What do you have in December that you don’t

have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !

written by Jokester

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he
gets
stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

written by Jokester

What do you call a letter sent up the
chimney
on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

written by Jokester

How many chimney does Father Christmas go
down ?
Stacks !

written by Jokester

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the
Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !

written by Jokester

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas

party ?
Chick to chick !

written by Jokester

Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas
party ?
It was a scream !

written by Jokester

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party
?
Fancy a bite ?

written by Jokester

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the
Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a

Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don’t work,
give me a ring!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of

Christmas I can’t sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your
bed…you’ll soon drop off!

written by Jokester

Doctor,
Doctor I’m scared of Father
Christmas
Doctor: You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia.

written by Jokester

My problem is that I
keep stealing
things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me
something for
it!
Doctor: Try this medicine…and if it doesn’t work come back and
bring
me a new video camera.

written by Jokester

I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are
small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

written by Jokester

I wouldn’t say
Christmas gnomes are
ugly,
But if beauty’s skin deep then they were was born inside
out!

written by Jokester

What do you give a train driver for
Christmas
?
Platform shoes !

written by Jokester

What happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule
be happy !

written by Jokester

Can I have a broken drum for
Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

written by Jokester

What do
you get if you cross Father
Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !

written by Jokester

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a
competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !

written by Jokester

What do you call a man who claps at
Christmas
?
Santapplause !

written by Jokester

Why does Father Christmas like to work in
the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe

written by Jokester

Why is a cat on a beach like
Christmas
?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

written by Jokester

What’s Father Christmas
called when he
takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

written by Jokester

What’s fat and jolly and runs on eight
wheels?
Father Christmas on roller skates!

written by Jokester

Why does Father Christmas go down
chimneys?
Because they soot him!

written by Jokester

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No
you can have turkey like everyone else !

written by Jokester

What did the big cracker
say to the
little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

written by Jokester

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The
turkey - he’s always stuffed !

written by Jokester

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle
Bells, Jungle bells.. !

written by Jokester

Why are Christmas trees like bad
knitters
?
They both drop their needles !

written by Jokester

What did the bald man say when he got
a
comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it !

written by Jokester

Why is a burning candle like being

thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !

written by Jokester

What do you get if you
cross an apple
with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !

written by Jokester