JokzBlog.com

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A.
He uses “windows”.

written by Jokester

Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He
went DATA way!

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What did one
keyboard say to the other
keyboard?
Sorry, you’re not my type.

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What did one mouse say to the other
mouse?
I get a click out of you.

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What did the mouse say to the
webcam?
Cheese.

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What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go
for a disk drive.

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What do you do if your computer hums?
Tell
it to change its socsks!

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What do you get if you cross a computer

with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a

hamburger?
A big mac.

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What do you get if you stuff your computer’s
disk drive
with herbs?
A thyme machine.

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What do you get if you take your computer to
an ice
rink?
A slipped disk.

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What’s the difference between your finger and
a
hammer?
I don’t know!
Well, you’re not using my computer
keyboard then!

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When do computers
go to sleep?
When
it’s internight.

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Where does an elephant carry its laptop?
In
its trunk.

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Where is the best place to buy computer
software?
Washington C.D

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Which football team to you need to connect up
your
computer?
Leeds.

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Which kind of ink do you put in your
computer’s printer?
Black, Red or Iced?
Iced Ink?
Well, yes you do,
but I didn’t want to mention it.

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Who holds up
stagecoaches and steals
laptop computers?
Click Turpin

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You’re spending a lot of time at that

computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?
No, they’ve always
been blue!

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Who sits on Cinderella’s
keyboard?
Buttons.

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Would you like to buy a second-hand
computer?
I’m afraid not. I’m only able to type with one hand as it is.

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Why
did the computer act crazy?
It had
a screw loose.

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Why did the dish and spoon hide their
computer?
The cat kept fiddling with i.t.

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Why did the duck stick his leg into a

computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.

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Why did the duck stick his leg into a

computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.

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Why do computer teachers never get

sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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Doctor, doctor, I keep
thinking I’m a
computer.
My goodness, you’d better come to my surgery right
away!
I can’t, my power cable won’t reach that far.

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Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I’m a
laptop computer.
You’re just run down, let me give you some
vitamins.
No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

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Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was

shouting “F1 F1″ and nobody understood it.

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The boy is smoking and
leaving smoke rings
into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her
lover: “Can’t
you see the warning written on the cigarettes
packet, smoking is
injurious to health!”

The boy replies back:
“Darling, I am a programmer. We don’t worry
about warnings, we only
worry about errors.”

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Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in

Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.

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They say that the new super computer
knows
everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is

my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then
came back with “Your
father is fishing in Michigan.”

The
skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was
nonsense. My
father has been dead for twenty years.”

“No”, replied the super
computer immediately. “Your mother’s
husband has been dead for
twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound
trout.”

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The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought
you a new
basketball.”
“Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s
guide?”

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The problem
with physicists is that they
tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with
mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get
results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to
cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.

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A software verifier read in the Bible
that
God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He

jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain,

and happily thinks: “I never really considered myself a fool, but I

never knew I was THAT clever!”

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How many maintenance programmers does it take

to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old
one.
“We looked at the light fixture and decided there’s no point trying

to maintain it. We’re going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait

two months?”

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How many C++ programmers does it take to
change a light
bulb?
“You’re still thinking procedurally! A properly
designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a
generic light bulb
class!”

written by Jokester

How many Java programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, to generate a “ChangeLightBulb” event to the
socket.

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How many
IBM employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document
number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only “This page intentionally
left blank”.

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How many
technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there’s a programmer around
to explain how to do
it.

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A confused caller was having troubles printing

documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that
it
”could not find the printer.” The user had even tried
turning the
computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still
could not
’see’ the printer.

written by Jokester

“Do you turn on your computer with your left
hand
or your right hand?”
” My right hand.”
” Amazing!Most
people have to use the on/off switch.”

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Computer
helpline?
Everytime I log onto
the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes
snow white….

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Customer: I think I’ve got a bug in my
computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer:
Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

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Helpline? I’ve just pushed a
piece of
bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but
there’s a lot of crackling.

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How do you stop your laptop batteries from

running out?
Hide their trainers.

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I’ve been on my computer all night!
Don’t
you think you’d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone

else?

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I’ve been sitting at this computer for hours
and I haven’t seen a
single website.
That’s because you’re
supposed to sit facing the screen.

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Mum, Mum,
Dad’s broken my
computer!
How did he do that?
I dropped it on his head.

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Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a

choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the
one we’ve got or don’t
use any at all.

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Teacher: Look at the state of the school

computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in
it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won’t be able to use it at

all.

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Teacher: Shall I put the school computer
on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you’re wearing looks fine.

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This computer
you charged me L950 for
doesn’t work….and you said it would be
trouble free.
It is, I
charged you L950 for the computer, but you’re getting all
that
trouble absolutely free!

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Want to buy a pocket computer?
No, thanks,
I already know how many pockets I’ve got.

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“This
little computer,” said the sales
clerk, “will do half of your job for
you.”

Studying the
machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I’ll take
two.”

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Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in
an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
“You’re all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don’t
trouble the other employees.”

The cannibals promise not to trouble
the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
“You’re all working very
hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you
know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others: “Which
of you idiots ate the
cleaner?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
says:
“You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and
Project Managers so no-one would notice anything,
and you have to go
and eat the cleaner!”

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Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close
enough for non-technical people.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC

with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

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Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside”

sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

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Q: What do you call a series of FDIV

instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

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Q: Complete the following word analogy:

Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)

On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

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Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the
Pentium’s
floating point divider?
A: “Life is like a box of
chocolates…” (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)

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Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the
586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got

585.999983605.

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What do you get if you cross a constable with
a computer?
PC Plod.

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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer
load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees
a big sign on the
door saying:

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter
At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes
over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a
living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m

hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds
of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver is totally
shocked.

“Why did you do
that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley
and are in
season now. You don’t even need a license.”

r
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up
the computers.They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen!

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what
happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to
stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck

driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em!”

written by Jokester

A
tech support employee once received a
call from a disgruntled lady who
had purchase one of their PCs.

“The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put

it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all
over
me! I want a replacement!”

The employee was a little
confused and didn’t know what to say. He
finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him…he’d never heard of
his company
selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the
cup holder to him. “Well, it pops
out of the little box when I push
a button, and it has 40x written on
it…”

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If Microsoft built cars you would need to
restart your car,
then it would perform illegal operations and
crash.

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Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help

you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with
WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went
away.”

“Went away?”

“They
disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept
anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor,
I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.”

“Does your
monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a
monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t
know.”

“Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I
think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it’s plugged into
the wall.”

“… …Yes, it
is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable.”

“… …Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it
for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back
of your
computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have
the right angle - it’s because
it’s
dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i
n
from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light
then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a
power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it
licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came
in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it
from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes,
I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

written by Jokester

What is an
astronaut’s favorite key on a
computer keyboard?
The space bar.

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What happened when the computer fell on the
floor?
It slipped a disk.

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Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was
looking for a byte to eat.

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What is a computer virus?
A terminal
illness.

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To err is human; but to really mess things up

requires a computer.

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Computers are not intelligent.
They only
think they are.

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Computers make very fast, very accurate

mistakes.

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My computer isn’t that nervous. It’s just a
bit ANSI.

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The
attention span of a computer is as
long as its electrical cord.

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Why do programmers always get Christmas and

Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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How do you keep a programmer in the shower

all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse,
repeat.”

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A
system programmer came home from work
almost at dawn and told his wife
enthusiastically: “Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA
together with VM/CMS and
CICS/VS”.
“G.O.O.D” answered his wife.

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Technical support had a
caller complaining
that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
cover on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in.

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A technician received a call from a man
complaining that the
system wouldn’t read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the
labels.

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A customer was asked to send a
copy of her
defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a
letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her

diskettes.

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A technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer
put the disk in, asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up
and closing the door to his room.

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A customer called to say he couldn’t get his

computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the

technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by

holding it in front of the screen and pressing the “send” key.

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A customer
needed help setting up a new
program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead.
“Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the man
said. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I
thought you meant for me
to find a couple of geeks.”

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A customer called
to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then he
removed all the keys and washed them individually.

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A
technician received a call from a
customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was “bad
and invalid”. The tech explained that the
computer’s “bad” and
“invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken
personally.

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An exasperated caller to Tech Support
couldn’t get her new
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response “I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens.”
The “foot pedal” turned out to be the
computer’s mouse.

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Another customer called Tech Support to say

her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the
unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she
asked “What power switch?”

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Many people in computer labs will assure

you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything

correctly, and it still wasn’t working, only to make you get up from your
nice
comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do
it
yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the
response is,
“THAT’S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!” Obviously
not.

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Customer:
“How do I print my
voicemail?”

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Student: “Would it be possible to
install
Arabic language support on those computers?”
Computer Teacher: “In
order to use Arabic language in Windows, you
must install an Arabic
graphic card. So I don’t think we could do
that.”

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Tech Support: “How may I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Hello…hey, er…I think I’ve got the wrong software

installed in my computer.”
Tech Support: “Why is that, sir?”

Customer: “I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded

with software called the ‘XYZ Desktop’.”
Tech Support:
“Yes…?”
Customer: “Shouldn’t it be called the ‘XYZ Minitower’? I
OBVIOUSLY
have the wrong software installed in this computer.”

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Me: “What is that noise?”
Customer: “Hey
Martinez!! I’m on the phone! Cut it out!”
Me: “What was that?”

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: “It’s from a device.”

Me: “What kind of device?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Me:
“Like a fax machine or something?”
Customer: “I don’t know. Someone
is under house arrest or
something.”

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Customer: “My disk is stuck in my disk drive.
Clicking eject
doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up.”
Customer: “Look, I don’t have three hands!”

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Customer: “Hi, I’m
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?”

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Customer: “I’ve been doing risk analysis by
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically — but there’s a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time.”
Tech Support: “Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?”
Customer: “Of course I
am. That’s why I bought it.”
Tech Support: “Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?”
Customer: “Don’t get rude with me, of
course I do.”
Tech Support: “Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results.”
Customer: “I know all that — what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it.”

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Customer: “Wait, that
password looks
really gray. I’m going to type it in again.”

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Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me I have

call waiting?”
Tech Support: “Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting.”
Customer: “Well, you should ask everybody!”

Tech Support: “Do you have call waiting?”
Customer: “What’s
that?”

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Customer: “It says I’ve performed an

illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something

wrong?”

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Tech Support: “Which format are the images you
send?”
Customer: “Rectangular, 15×11 centimeters.”

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A Software Engineer, a
Hardware Engineer and a Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the
road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with
no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Branch
Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous
Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we can be on our
way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far
too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I
‘ve got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can
strip down the car’s
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it,
and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer,
“Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the
road and see if it happens
again.”

written by Jokester

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop
computer–the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem,
the IBM technician said. First,
open a “window” to launch a
specific program. The conversation
continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right
to close the window. Why, the
IBM technician asked. Because, the caller
responded, it was getting
very chilly.

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After a caller gave a technician her PC’s

serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded,
“I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say
another
word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When
the
customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller
responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would
have telephoned
in my bathrobe.”

written by Jokester

There are three engineers in a car; an
electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car
just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong.

The
electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical

engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is

becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with
a suggestion, ‘Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get

back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work !?’

written by Jokester

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next

to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans
over
to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The
Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The
Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the

answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know

the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the Programmer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep.The
Engineer, now somewhat
agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the
answer you pay me $5, and if
I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”

This catches the
Programmer’s attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the
firs
t question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Programmer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls

out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now,
it’s the Programmer’s turn. He asks the Engineer “What goes up
a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Engineer
looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer
and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.

After
about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The

Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to

sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Programmer and asks
“Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a
word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Engineer
a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the
best way to accelerate a
Mac?
A: 9.81 m/s2

written by Jokester

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist
were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
world. The doctor
remarked “Well, in the Bible it says that God
created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so
I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the
world.”

The civil engineer interrupted and said “But even earlier in
the book
of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the
earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world.”

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair,
smiled, and said
confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the
chaos?

written by Jokester

Comments made
by Programmers when their
programs don’t work:
Strange…
I’ve never heard about that.

It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.

How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.

There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it’s just a feature.
I’m almost ready.

Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It’s just some unlucky coincidence.
I can’t
test everything!
THIS can’t do THAT.
Didn’t I fix it already?

It’s already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it’s not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.

There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn’t find it
during the system testing?
It’s a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:

A smart user would never do that!

written by Jokester

One guy was on duty in the main lab
on a
quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one
of
the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring

at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same
position only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It’s about
time! I pushed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

written by Jokester

Got this email from a friend:

CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

written by Jokester

Customer: “I’m running Windows ‘95.”

Tech: “Yes.”
Customer: “My computer isn’t working now.”
Tech:
“Yes, you said that.”

written by Jokester

- Why do you think I spend too much
time
at my computer?

- Well, dear… Every time I ask you to close
the windows you answer
with “Please wait while your computer shuts
down”…

written by Jokester

….. Ya see, we
at Microsoft believe in
making computing easier! What could be easier
for consumers than
having only ONE choice of software?!?

written by Jokester

I heard that
if you play the Windows NT
4.0 CD backwards, you’ll get a satanic
message. But the most
frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs NT 4.0!

written by Jokester

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95

and Windows 98?

A: 3 years

written by Jokester

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?

A: He doesn’t. He declares darkness the industry standard.

written by Jokester

What did
Bill Gate’s wife say to him on
their wedding night?

No wonder you called the company
Microsoft

written by Jokester

One of Microsoft’s finest
technicans was
drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given
some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots
at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had
completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his
rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area,
“It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!”

written by Jokester

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a
Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving
down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing
off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt
scraping along the mountainside.
The car’s occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with no brakes. What were they to
do?

“I know,” said the
Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate
a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of
Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we
can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That
will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked
before. I’ve got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time a
t all I can strip down the car’s
braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software
Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens
again.”

written by Jokester

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself

face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill,

I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I’m not
sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows ‘95 among other
indiscretions. I
believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before;
I’ll let you decide
where you want to go.”

Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you
briefly
explain the difference between the two?” Looking slightly
puzzled, God
said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places
briefly,
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,

Heaven or Hell?”

Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell f
irst.” So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill’s face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
“This is great,” he thought, “if
this is Hell, I can’t wait to see
heaven.”

Within seconds
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill

thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
demons.

“So, how is everything going?” God asked.

Bill
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and

disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first

time!! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other

place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
women?

“That was the demo,” replied God.

written by Jokester

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Gates, the
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together

traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. “There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us,” he announced.
“Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s
greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon.
“This world needs
great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then
grabbed a
parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smarest man in the
world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long
life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
the plane.”

“You don’t have to stay here! The
world’s smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack.”

written by Jokester

Q: What does a proud computer call his

little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

written by Jokester

Q: What happens if you cross a
midget and
a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

written by Jokester

An office technician got a call from a

user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She

described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to
be
brought in and serviced.

He told her to “Unplug the power
cord and bring it up here and I will
fix it.”

About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her
hand.

written by Jokester

A person turned on the computer without a

keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the
computer finds out that there is no
keyboard attached and it gives a
“Keyboard Error” message.

She then asks “Why did it give me a
keyboard error?

There isn’t even a keyboard attached?

written by Jokester

While trying to diagnose a
problem over
the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He
said it said “File not found”.

I told him to do a dir.

I
asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, “Well it says
autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no
dot, and then it says
bat.”

I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”.

Again he got
“File not found”.

I asked him to tell me exactly what he
typed.

He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type

autoexecdotbat’.

written by Jokester

Webster’s Dictionary definition of Windows
95

Windows95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for
a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can’t
stand 1 bit of competition.

written by Jokester

Why did
the school bully kick the
classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the
system.

written by Jokester

The Three
Laws of Secure
Computing

1) Don’t buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug
it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

written by Jokester

Computers manufacturer is considering changing

the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the

flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

written by Jokester

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a

Windows box crashed…
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

written by Jokester

There was once a young man who,
in his
youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to
define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that
the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and

anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

written by Jokester

There was once a
young man who, in his
youth, professed his desire to become a great
writer.

When
asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that
the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly

emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and

anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

written by Jokester

Dear Boss,
I hope I haven’t misunderstood
your instructions. Because to be
honest, boss, none of this Y to K
dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished
converting all the months on all the
company calendars so that the
year 2000 is ready to go with the following
improved months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of
the week, and they are now:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any
other Y to K? I am a fan of the
New York Yankees. Should I call
them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K
ready?

written by Jokester

A programmer was walking along the beach when
he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated
“I am the most
powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any
wish you want, but only one
wish.”

The programmer pulled out a
map of the Mediterranean area and said
“I’d like there to be a
just and last peace among the people in the
middle east.”

The
genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been

fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this

is beyond my limits.”

The programmer then said, “Well, I am a
programmer and my programs
have a lot of users. Please make all the
users satisfied with my programs,
and let them ask sensible
changes”

Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”

written by Jokester

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world
revolve around him.

written by Jokester

Q:
How many Microsoft executives does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation
and have therefore made no
provision for light bulbs to be
removed.

written by Jokester

Q: How many Microsoft support
staff does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the
registration number of the light
bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried
rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have
you tried reinstalling it?” and
the last one to say “It must be your
hardware because the light bulb
in our office works fine…”

written by Jokester

You
have just received the “Kentucky
Virus”!!!

As we ain’t got no programin’ experience, this here Virus
works on
the honor system.

Please delete all the files on
your hard drive, and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your
mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

written by Jokester

Q: How many programmers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that’s a hardware problem.

written by Jokester

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited

to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three

important people to send my message out to all the people: “Tomorrow
I will
destroy the earth.”

Yeltsin immediately called
together his cabinet and told them: “I have
two really bad news items for
you:
1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the
earth.”

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and
Congress and told
them: “I have good news and bad news:
1) The GOOD
news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is
going to destroy the earth.”

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft
and very happily announced: “I have
two fantastic
announcements:
1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year
2000 problem is solved.”

written by Jokester

I overheard a woman in a
computer store
say to the sales assistant “I want a game capable of holding
the
interest of my six-year-old, but it’s got to be simple enough for
his
father to play, too.”

written by Jokester

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia

publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the

computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and
solved
the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after
him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T
error.”

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID ten
T error?
What’s that … in case I need to fix it
again??”

He gave her a grin…

“Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten
T error before?”

“No,” replied Judy.

“Write it down,” he
said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

(She
wrote…)

I D 1 0 T

written by Jokester

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for
me…

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced
his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her
head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her
house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was
adopted,

My Dad told me he’s gay,

My boss told me I was laid
off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has
termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was
bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my
door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be
with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery
yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But
please….

DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY
COMPUTER!!!!!

AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th
floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for
the
Enter….

written by Jokester

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady
repute, the luckless
customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it
in to find it Dead On
Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the
usual things, he called the dealer and
explained his problem. First
question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
“Did you check to see
whether the power was on?”

“Of course.”

DED: “Did you open
the cover and check whether any of the boards had
shaken loose in
shipping?”

“Of course.”

DED: Then why are you calling
me?”

“Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty,”
pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

“Of course there
is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty
when you opened
the cover.”
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:
LSD and UNIX.

We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

written by Jokester

My computer made a funny sound the other
day.
Of course, I’ve never heard it get thrown out a window before.

written by Jokester

Q.
What creature has the best aptitude for
engineering ?

A. The spider — It has its own website.

written by Jokester

Jesus and Satan got into an
argument over
which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally
God got
tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a
contest
between them. They each had four hours to write the best program

they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both
got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines
and lines of
code. But just before the four hours were up there was a
flash of
lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights
flickered, the
power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power
was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see
the
results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed

the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture

and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures
–
all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan wha
t he had created, but Satan said, “I’ve got
nothing, absolutely
nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost
it all
when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he
still
have such a great program?”

God replied, “Everybody knows —
Jesus Saves.”

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the
difference between a car
salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car
salesman can probably
drive!

written by Jokester

As most technophiles are aware, there are

special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to

perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for “Technology
Without
An Interesting Name.”

written by Jokester

A ragged individual stranded for several months

on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day

noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to
the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the
message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read,
“we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail
account.”

written by Jokester

This customer comes into
the computer
store. “I’m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with
lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging.”

“Well,” replied the
clerk, “Have you tried Windows 98?”

written by Jokester

Redmond,
WA –Microsoft announced today
that the official release date for the
new operating system “Windows
2000″ will be delayed until the second
quarter of 1901.

written by Jokester

What do computers eat when they get hungry?

Chips.

written by Jokester

What’s the difference between Windows 95 and a
virus?
A virus does something.

written by Jokester