JokzBlog.com

Q: How many perverts does it take to
put in
a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to
get it out!

written by Jokester

Q:
What did the Indian say to the white
woman when she tied his penis in a
knot?
A: “How Come?”

written by Jokester

Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys
like to eat with their hats on.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the definition
of a
teenager?
A: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

written by Jokester

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new

“Stealth Condom?”
A: “They’ll never see you coming.”

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a truckload
of
vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call kinky sex with
chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

written by Jokester

Q: Define Transvestite:
A: A guy who likes to
eat, drink and be Mary.

written by Jokester

Q: Why is being in the
military like a blow
job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

written by Jokester

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in
common?
A: They are both substitute meats.

written by Jokester

Q: What do a coffin and a condom
have in
common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs, one’s coming, one’s
going.

written by Jokester

Q:
What are 3 two letter words that say
small?
A: Is it in.

written by Jokester

Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I
told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

written by Jokester

Q: What
does pizza delivery man and a
gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can’t eat it.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a

telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch
someone

written by Jokester

There are a
lot of folks that can’t
understand how we ran out of oil here in the
USA.
Well, here’s the
answer: It’s simple………nobody bothered to check
the oil. Didn’t
know we were getting low. And of course the reason for
that is
geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all
the
dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

written by Jokester

Little Mary was not the best
student in
Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day
the teacher
called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who
created
the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic
boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the
rear. “God
Almighty!” shouted Mary, and the teacher said, “Very
good,” and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked
Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,”
but Mary didn’t even stir from
her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue, and stuck her
again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary, and
the teacher said, “Very
good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third
question. “What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third
child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary
jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that
damn thing in me one m
ore time, I’ll break it in half!”

written by Jokester

This guy
goes to the zoo one day. While
standing in front of the gorilla’s cage,
a gust of wind swept some
dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla went crazy,
bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to
his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the
zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means “F**k you!”
in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the
victim feel
any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large
knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and over to the
gorilla’s cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and a party
horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he
picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped
the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla
looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man,
and pulled down his eyelid.

written by Jokester

One day there was two boys playing
by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and
the
other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so

long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were

looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the
second
boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why
he ran away so he took off after
his friend. Finally, he caught up
to him and asked why he ran away. The
boy said to his friend, “My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I
would turn to stone, and I
felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

written by Jokester

“Hello?” the blonde responded answering the

phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, “Hello?”

“I’ll bet
you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you,
lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you
until dawn.” the male voice whispered.

“Scheesch! You’re good.”
she replied. “You mean you can tell all
that from two hello’s?”

written by Jokester

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The

brunette complained, “Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have

to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air.” The blonde asks,

“Don’t you have a vase?”

written by Jokester

Did you hear the one about the blonde who

thought that “love handles” referred to her ears?

written by Jokester

The blonde was at
the blood bank and sold a
pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her
$25, a man was
leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he
had some rare
blood type that he got more than she did. He said no,
that he had
donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood
bank. The
receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde

could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

written by Jokester

Question: What
do elephants use for
tampoons?
Answer: Sheep.

written by Jokester

Question: What’s the difference between sin and

shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to
pull it
out.

written by Jokester

Question: What’s another name for pickled
bread?
Answer: Dill-dough.

written by Jokester

Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down

his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.

written by Jokester

Question: What do you call a
gay
dinosaur?
Answer: Mega-sore-ass.

written by Jokester

Question: What do you call a lesbian
dinosaur?
Answer: A Lickalotopus.

written by Jokester

Question: What is the difference between a woman

in church and a woman in a bathtub?
Answer: One has hope in her
soul, the other has soap in her
hole.

written by Jokester

Question: Why do men always give their penis a
name?
Answer: Because they don’t want a stranger making 95 percent
of their
decisions for them.

written by Jokester

What have men and spray paint in common?
One
squeeze and they’re all over you.

written by Jokester

Why is food better than men?
Because you
don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

written by Jokester

Q: What can a
goose do, a duck can’t, and a
lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

written by Jokester

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest

children?
A: Ask your mother.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A:
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

written by Jokester

Q:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped
his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

written by Jokester

Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and

sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don’t want to
wear out the camel.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference
between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between getting a

divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get
rid of the whole prick!

written by Jokester

Q: What’s
the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

written by Jokester

Q: What did the
elephant say to the naked
man?
A: It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

written by Jokester

Q. What has
seventy-five balls and screws
old ladies?
A. Bingo!

written by Jokester

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A.
Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.

written by Jokester

Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife,

meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife,
your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can’t beat a blow job.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do blonde’s
get confused in the
ladies room?

A: They have to pull their own pants down.

written by Jokester

Q: What is 68 to a blonde?

A: Where she
goes down on you and you owe her one.

written by Jokester

Q: What does a
screen door and a blonde have
in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

written by Jokester

Q: What is the definition
of the perfect
woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a
pub.

written by Jokester

Q:
How would a blonde punctuate the
following?: “Fun fun fun worry worry
worry”

A: Fun period fun period
fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

written by Jokester

Q: How does
a blonde interpret 6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

written by Jokester

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

written by Jokester

Q: How can you tell who is a
blonde’s
boyfriend?

A: He’s the one with the belt buckle that matches the
impression in
her forehead.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and
an ironing
board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an
ironing board.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s
the difference between a blonde
and McDonald’s?

A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference
between Indiana
and a blonde?

A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

written by Jokester

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple
orgasms?

A: Way to go team.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do saunas remind some people of
blonde’s?

A: Because they’re both steaming and wet when you enter, and
they
don’t mind if you bring friends.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s one thing everybody sees in
a
blonde?

A: A dick.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and
a blonde?

A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

written by Jokester

Three blondes are
sitting on a park bench
eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers,
one is biting hers, one
is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding
ring, YOU SICK-O!

written by Jokester

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to

“iron,” then we could do without the ironing lady.

Blonde
Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without
the gardener.

written by Jokester

Male secretary : “Feel free to use my

dictaphone.”
New blonde employee : “No thanks, I’ll just use my finger
like
everyone else.”

written by Jokester

A man comes home from work one night to catch
his blonde
girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out,
“What do you
think you’re doing?” “Just heating up dinner” she
replies.

written by Jokester

A guy
walked into the doctor’s surgery for
an appointment. “Would you like
to tell me your problem?” the
pretty blonde receptionist asked.
“I’ll need the information for the
doctor.” “It’s rather embarrassing”
the guy stammered. “You see, I
have a very large and almost constant
erection.” “Well, the doctor
is very busy today” the receptionist
cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze
you in.”

written by Jokester

A blonde is suffering from a
sore throat so
she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to
the doctor
who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says
“Open
wide.” “I can’t” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with

arms.”

written by Jokester

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her

what she would like, and she replies, “Bring me a beer.”
The
bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?”
To which she replies, “Fine
thanks, and how’s your cock?”

written by Jokester

A man
got on a plane and sat next to a
blonde, after sitting for awhile she
sneezed, took out a tissue and
whipped her box. The man not knowing her
said nothing and went about
his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she
sneezed again and, the
same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man
got the nerve and
asked “what was wrong?” She said that every time she
sneezes she has an
orgasm. “Oh!” the man said, are you taking
anything for
it?

“Yes”, she said - “black pepper!”

written by Jokester

This blonde and her boyfriend
were sitting
in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, “Is it
true that
if you pull your finger out, I’ll sink?”

written by Jokester

A lady walks
into the dentist’s office,
takes off her underwear, sits down on the
chair and spreads her legs
wide open. “You must have made a mistake” says
the shocked dentist,
“The gynecologist’s office is one level
higher.” To that the lady
replies, “No mistake, you installed my husband’s
dentures last
week, now you’ll be the one getting them out.”

written by Jokester

A
blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
and the pro asked her to take a
swing at a ball to see how she’d
do. The blonde did so and competely
duffed the shot. The pro said
“Your swing is good but you’re gripping the
club too hard - grip the
club gently as you would your husband’s
penis.” The blonde took
another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight
down the fairway.
The pro said “That was excellent! Let’s try it
again only this
time take the club out of your mouth.”

written by Jokester

Q: Why
do blondes always drink with
straws?

A: Practice.

written by Jokester

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a
condom?

A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

written by Jokester

Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was

making love with her new boyfriend?

A: “Funny, you don’t feel
Jewish.”

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a blonde
that can suck a
golfball through a water hose?

A:Sweetheart!

written by Jokester

Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out
of a
blonde’s mouth?

A: Einstein’s dick.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and

then turn around and come home?

A: It took her that long to
discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
television.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to
squeeze his
left testicle?

A: Because the road sign said
‘Squeeze Left.’

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his
condom?

A: To keep the swelling down.

written by Jokester

Q: What do blonde’s have against

condoms?

A: Their cheeks.

written by Jokester

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question
“Are
you sexually active?”

A: “No, I just lie there.”

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a brunette and three

blondes in a corner?

A: You don’t, you see if you’ve got 3
condoms.

written by Jokester

Q: Did you hear
about the conceited
blonde?

A: She screams her own name when she comes.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for

screwing?

A: The balls are lighter, and you don’t have to change
shoes.

written by Jokester

Q: Why
did the blonde give a blow job after
sex?

A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

written by Jokester

Q: What is a
bellybutton for?

A: It
gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

written by Jokester

Q. What
did the blonde’s left leg say to
her right leg? A: Between the two of
us, we can make a lot of
money.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a blonde with a
bag of
sugar on her head?

A: Sweet fuck all.

written by Jokester

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an

office?

A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses’
faces.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So
they know when to stop having sex.

written by Jokester

Q: What did the blonde say
during a
porno?

A: “There I am!”

written by Jokester

Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe
sex?

A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

written by Jokester

Q: How does a horny guy spell

relief?

A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call 4 blondes laying on the

beach?

A: Public access.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call two blondes in a
canoe?

A: Fur traders.

written by Jokester

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

A: They’re doing research on black holes.

written by Jokester

Q: Why is a blonde like
Australia?

A:
They’re both down under, and no one cares.

written by Jokester

Did you ever
blow bubbles as as child? Yeh,
well he’s back in town and wants your new
number.

written by Jokester

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to
wait an hour
for a three minute ride

written by Jokester

Why did God create women?
To carry semen
from the bedroom to the toilet.

written by Jokester

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the

bird of true love?
The swallow.

written by Jokester

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.

written by Jokester

What is the definition of ‘making love’?

Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

written by Jokester

What should you do
if your girlfriend starts
smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

written by Jokester

Whats the difference between oral sex
and
anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

written by Jokester

Whats the difference between premenstrual
tension
and BSE?
One’s mad cow disease, the other’s an agricultural
problem.

written by Jokester

Why do
hunters make the best lovers?

Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat

what they shoot.

written by Jokester

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them
spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

written by Jokester

Why
does a bride smile when she walks up the
aisle?
She knows she’s given her last blow job.

written by Jokester

Whats the difference
between a bitch and a
whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a
bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.

written by Jokester

Whats the difference between your wife and your

job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

written by Jokester

Whats the definition of love,
true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

written by Jokester

Why is the space between a
woman’s breasts
and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another
pair of tits in there.

written by Jokester

A couple
decided that the only way to have a
quickie while their ten-year- old
son was in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and let him
give a running report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the
boy stood on the
balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
“A police car has
just called at the Hamiltons’ house, the Chandlers
are taking
delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having
sex.”
Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you
know the
Mitchells are having sex?” “Because their kid is standing on
the
balcony too.”

written by Jokester

A male market researcher was calling on homes on

behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.”Do you use
Vaseline?”
asked the researcher. “Certainly,” she said. “It’s very good for

cuts, grazes and burns.” “And what about anything else?” he asked.

“Like what?” He became embarrassed. “Well, sex, maybe.” Oh, of

course.” she said. “I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my
husband
out.”

written by Jokester

A truck driver was going down a steep incline

when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple
having sex
in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he
sounded his
horn, but they didn’t move. He finally brought the truck’
to a halt
inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
“What the hell’s
the matter with you two?.Didn’t you hear me? You
could have been
killed!” The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I
was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only
one with brakes.”

written by Jokester

A woman
went to the doctor and complained
that she was suffering from I knee
pains. “Do you indulge in any
activity that puts a lot of pressure on
your knees?” asked the doctor.
“Every night, my husband and I have sex
on the floor doggy style.”
“I see,” said the doctor. “You know,
there are plenty of other
sexual positions?” “Not if you want to watch
TV there ain’t!”

written by Jokester

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his

girlfriend. “Every time we make love,” she said, “I get splinters.”
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for
advice.
“Sandpaper,” said the carpenter. “That’s what you need.” So

Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks
later the
carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. “How are you
getting on with the
girls now?” he asked. “Who needs girls?” said
Pinocchio.

written by Jokester

Q: What
did the leper say to the
hooker?

A: Keep the tip.

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Q. What do you call 1,000 heavily armed
lesbians?

A. Militia Etheridge

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Q: Why did the blonde make love in the
microwave?

A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did the blonde have
a
hysterectomy?

A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the ultimate
embarrassment for a
blonde?

A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal
detector.

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Q: Why don’t men fake orgasm?
A: Coz no man
would pull those faces on purpose.

written by Jokester

Q: What are the
small bumps around a woman s
nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for ‘Suck here.’

written by Jokester

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman
have
between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will
talk to them.

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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up

in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

written by Jokester

Q: Whats the difference between
purple and
pink?
A: The grip.

written by Jokester

I love the lines men use to get us into bed.
“Please,
I’ll only put it in for a minute.” What am I, a
microwave?

written by Jokester

You know
the worst thing about oral sex? The
view.

written by Jokester

Women need a reason to have
sex. Men just
need a place.

written by Jokester

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no

sex life at all.

written by Jokester

Wife: “Why don’t you ever callout my name when

we’re making love?” ! Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake

you.”

written by Jokester

Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture
the moment.

written by Jokester

Why is
sex like a game of bridge? -You
don’t need a partner if you have a good
hand.

written by Jokester

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,
provided you
get between the right man and the right woman.

written by Jokester

I was making love to this girl and she started

crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She

said, “No, I hate myself now.”

written by Jokester

What do hookers do on their night off:

type?

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A man went into a store to buy some condoms.
“That’s 1 dollar
15 plus tax,” said the store assistant. “I don’t
need tacks,” said
the man. “It’ll stay up all by itself.”

written by Jokester

Q: What is a four-letter
word that ends in
‘k’ and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk

written by Jokester

Q:
What can you find in a man’s pants that
is about six inches long, has
a head on it, and that women love so
much that they often blow it? A: a
$20 bill

written by Jokester

Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts,

and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar

written by Jokester

Q: What is it that
all men have one of;
it’s longer on some men than on others; the Pope
doesn’t use his; and
a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
A: surname

written by Jokester

Did u know that a condom had a serial number?
No, I never
had to unroll one that far.

written by Jokester

Q . what did the sign on the whore house

say?A: Beat it we are closed

written by Jokester

This women had a magic morror from which

anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror

and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran

down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up
stairs
and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could
touch the
floor and his legs fell off !

written by Jokester

Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN

AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?
A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A
DWARF?

written by Jokester

A young woman goes to her doctor
complaining
that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor
examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out
with a
Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said
“Well tell him his ear
rings aren’t real gold!!!”

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a

phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

written by Jokester

Q: What does the Bermuda
Triangle and
blondes have in common?

A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

written by Jokester

Q: What did the blonde do
when she got her
period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot
her?

written by Jokester

Q: What is
that insensitive bit at the base
of the penis called?
A: The man.

written by Jokester

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You
never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or
how long
it will last.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A:
Because they are plugged into a genius.

written by Jokester

Q: Why don’t women have
men’s
brains?
A: Because they don’t have penises to put them in.

written by Jokester

Q: What do
electric trains and breasts have
in common?
A: They’re intended for children, but it’s the men who
usually end up
playing with them.

written by Jokester

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm
white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

written by Jokester

Q: What do men and sperm
have in
common?
A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human

being.

written by Jokester

Q. What does a woman’s asshole do when she is

having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!

written by Jokester

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They
irritate the shit out of you.

written by Jokester

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day,
Father’s have
Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A:
So they can think with an open mind.

written by Jokester

Q: How is a penis like
fishing?
A: The
small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the
larger
ones you mount.

written by Jokester

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a

toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss all three.

written by Jokester

Q: What is the difference between
medium and
rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do men find it
difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

written by Jokester

Q: What is the difference between a hog
and
a man?
A: A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all
night just so
he can f*** some pig.

written by Jokester

Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they
take a long time to get hard.

written by Jokester

Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a

man say? A: Her tits are just too big.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you find a blind man
in a nudist
colony?
A: It’s not hard.

written by Jokester

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You
skip across the flat ones.

written by Jokester

Q: Did you hear about the new
blonde paint?

A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

written by Jokester

Q: Whats
the difference between a 90s woman
and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won’t accept a
three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

written by Jokester

Q: Whats the difference between erotic and
kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the
whole
chicken.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did god give blonde’s 2 more
brain
cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn’t shit all over when you
played with their tits.

written by Jokester

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering????
A:
More head room

written by Jokester

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they
aren’t upright, they’re grand.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you get a
blonde pregnant?
A:
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

written by Jokester

Q: WHY DON`T
BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A:
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you
know a blonde likes you?
A:
She screws you two nights in a row.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your
knees?
A: Come.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her
virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

written by Jokester

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls
down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

written by Jokester

Q:
WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When
they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay
down.

written by Jokester

Q: What is 61 to a blonde?
A: She wants 8
(ate) more.

written by Jokester

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in

common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both

f*cked.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line
of blondes and a
magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of
stunts.

written by Jokester

Q: What do blondes and
cow-pats have in
common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

written by Jokester

Q: What do blondes do
after they comb their
hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp,
and
another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4
f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A
waste.

written by Jokester

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than
horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets
during
parades.

written by Jokester

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after
she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

written by Jokester

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1:
(Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

written by Jokester

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches

orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!

written by Jokester

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and
PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a

counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One’s a phony buck.

written by Jokester

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the

world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between
a blonde
and a brick?

A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you
around for two weeks
whining.

written by Jokester

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a
broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.

written by Jokester

Two elderly Southern women are
sitting on
the veranda sipping lemonade and
reminiscing about old times.
One
says to the other, “Darling, do you remember the minuet?”
The other
replies, “Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I

screwed!”

written by Jokester

Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says,
“Ya know, when
I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with
either of my
hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried
really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend
it about 20 degrees, no
problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and
now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand” “So, “says the
second drunk, “what’s your
point” “Well, “says the first, “I’m
just wondering how much
stronger I’m gonna get!”

written by Jokester

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing

home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued
smoking.

The lady asked, “What’s that?”

“A
condom,” the other lady responded. “This way my cigarette
doesn’t
get wet.”

“Where did you get it?” the other lady asked.

“You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, the first
lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy looked at her
kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but
politely asks what brand she prefers.

“It doesn’t matter as long
as it fits a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

written by Jokester

Two postmen are on break having a cigarette.

While on this break one postman says “Hey look at that snail”. The

other postman looks down and says “FUCK” and step steps on the snail.

Postman 1 looks at him and says “Why’d you do that”. Postman2
replys
“Because that fucker has been following me all day.”

written by Jokester

A 90 year man
finally gets to see a Dr. and
the dr. asks him what the problem is, the
man says he wants the Dr.
to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken
aback a bit but finally
asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers
I am 90. The Dr.,
still a little confused says you are 90, and you want
your sex
drive lowered? Yes said the man, it’s all in my head and I
want you to
lower it.

written by Jokester

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and

complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks

nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady
gets off
and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and
the driver
thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop
and this old man
gets off and says to the driver “I lost my taupe
and thought I found it
twice then realized mine is parted down the
side, and the two I saw
were parted down the middle!”

written by Jokester

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,

“I’m going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam.” The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, “Not big enough.”

She brings out a
bigger one. He says, “Still not big enough.”
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, “Still not big enough.”

She says, “Listen, Ace,
why don’t you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?”

written by Jokester

They now have an Italian airline that flies out

of Genoa.

It’s called Genitalia.

written by Jokester

A big fat housewife is on her hands and

knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her
husband, “Come here quick,
Charlie!
I’m paralyzed! I can’t get
up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says,
“Stand up, you silly old
bat. You’re kneeling on one of your
tits.”

written by Jokester

An angry husband returned home one night to find
his wife
in bed with a naked man. ‘What are you doing’ he
shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover ‘See, I told you he was

stupid’

written by Jokester

An old couple in an old folks home are having an
affair, nothing much
they just sit watching TV late at night while
the old woman holds the
old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man
ends the affair because of
another woman. The old woman’s distraught
and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER
WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!” The old
man smiles and says,
“Parkinson’s disease”

written by Jokester

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social
security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the
counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has
left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he seemed to have
left his wallet at home,
“will I have to go home and come back now?”
he ask.

The woman says, “unbutton your shirt.” he opens his
shirt revealing
lots of curly silver hair. She says, “that silver hair
on your chest is
proof enough for me” as she processes his social
security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about this
experience at social security office. She says,
“you should have dropped your
pants, you might have qualified for
disability, too.”

written by Jokester

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named

Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a

nun, opens her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The nun says, “Gladys,
you
know you’re not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys
starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to
him, opens
her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The minister is shocked
and tells
her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an
old man lying
on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells
“Super Pussy!” The
man slowly turns his head and says, “Thanks, I think
I’ll have the
soup.”

written by Jokester

These two old men are in a nursing home.
They’re talking and
realize that it’s been years since they have had
sex. So they sneak out
and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside
they go to the Pimp and
ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought
“I’m not going to waste my
two best girls on these guys I’ll just
give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won’t know the
difference.”
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back
they start
talking. The first guy said, ” I think mine was dead she
didn’t move or
anything.” The second guy said I think mine was a
witch because when I
nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the
window.”

written by Jokester

There were
these three little old ladies
sitting on a park bench minding their own
business when suddenly a
flasher jumped in front of them and exposed
himself…the first old
lady had a stroke…the second old lady had a
stroke…but sadly the
third old lady couldn’t reach!!!

written by Jokester

A man walks into
a tattoo parlor and says he
would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist
laughs and says “I’ll do it for free if you
can give me one good
reason for it.”

The guy thinks for a second and says. “Well one,
I like to keep my
money in my pants, two I like to watch my money
grow, and three I want to
see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

written by Jokester

An elderly man visits his

doctor.
“Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.”
“Very
well, let me see your sex organs, please.”
The aged patient replied
o.k. “And stuck out his index finger and his
tongue.”

written by Jokester

A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains,

leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a

different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the
guy,
finally, the guy said to the old man: “haven’t you ever done
anything
crazy and wild in your life” and the old man said “yah, I
have, I once
made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my
son”

written by Jokester

A little
old lady shaking violently as she
walks in to the pharmacy asks the
salesperson “do you sell
vibrators”. Surprised by the request, the sales
person says yes! The little
old lady says: “Well, how do you turn the
damn things off!”

written by Jokester

This old lady was complaining to her friend
about
a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested
that
maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied “that’s impossible
because
I am a virgin”. To solve the problem the old lady went to
the doctor
for check up. After the exam the doctor said: ” I have
good news and
bad news, the
good news is that you are clean of all
STD’S. The bad news is that you
have fruit flies because your
cherry is rotten”

written by Jokester

An elderly woman
decided to have her
portrait painted. She told the artist “Paint me with
diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex.”

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a
twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man
replied. “But I was so flattered, I
pleaded guilty.”

written by Jokester

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for

obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young
girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked

curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma
in
on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people
were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some

myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he
was bewildered.
“But you’re so old… how do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my

dentures and suck ‘em dry!”

written by Jokester

Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his
crotch.
The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my

privates.”
The woman replies, “Yes. Now, we’re going to be careful not to
hurt
each other, aren’t we.”

written by Jokester

This woman goes into a dentist’s office,

after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this,

but I am going to have to drill a tooth.” The woman then says:

“Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies:
“Make
up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

written by Jokester

A dentist friend of mine
had a T-shirt which
said on the front: Let me put my tool in your
mouth… and on the
back: …and I will fill your cavity.

written by Jokester

While
participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had
her first sexual experience,
going to bed with a stunning foreign
participant. Upon returning to her
hometown, she promptly went to
confession. After receiving absolution,
the gymnast was so delighted
that she did cartwheels down the aisle to
the door. Waiting her turn,
Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, “can you
believe what Father
Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me
not to be wearing
panties.”

written by Jokester

Two deaf
people get married. During the
first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off
the
lights because they can’t
see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree
on some
simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me,

reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to

have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The
husband
thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
“Great idea, Now if
you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and
pull on my penis one time. If
you
don’t want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis……fifty
times”

written by Jokester

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a
nursing home having a
chat. “How are
you, Richard?” asked George.
“I’m not feeling too good today, I’m
utterly
exhausted,” replied
Richard. “I’ve pulled a muscle, and it’s
killing me.”
“I’m
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,” said George.

Richard
yawned and said, “Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night.”

written by Jokester

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.

“Excuse
me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out,

please?”

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, “Not bad.”

written by Jokester

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon — although
somewhat startled — she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones
replied simply, “Today is the viewing.”

written by Jokester

A knight and his
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. “How
are we faring?” asked the king.
“Sire!” replied the knight, “I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west.” “What?” shrieked the king, “I don’t have any enemies to the

west!” “Oh!”
said the knight, “Well, you do now.”

written by Jokester

While away at a convention, an
executive
happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he
persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel
room, he
found out she had
a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive

found
himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive
walked from the shower into the
bedroom
to find his wife covered in
a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her
face
creamed, munching
candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.

Then,
without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of

a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!”

written by Jokester

During a funeral for a woman
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor’s
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
“Well, at least we know she got there all right,”
commented her
husband

written by Jokester

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, “How
much for a blow job
?”.
“Hundred Bucks”.
“OK”, he said and
began to jerk off.
“What the hell are you doing that for?”
“For
hundred bucks you don’t think I’m going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?”

written by Jokester

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when

forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen
anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven’s door, Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to
admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, “They’re
gone!” “What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?” asked God. “No!” replied
Saint Peter.
“The Pearly Gates!”

written by Jokester

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find

a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says,
“Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an “r” after the first letter.”

The entire class says,
“Hello Mrs. Prussy.”

A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
“I remember it has an
“r” after
the first
letter.”

“That’s right!” she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

written by Jokester

“Ever
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically,” remarked
his
friend.

“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t
good
enough for me.”

written by Jokester

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were
having
breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
“Harry, why do you have a
suppository in your ear?”

Harry took the suppository out, looked it
over and said, “Sam, I’m
really glad
you saw this thing, now I
think I know where my hearing aid is.”

written by Jokester

A
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, “Can I smell your
pussy?”

She replies, “Hell no!”

The man says, “Well, it must be
your feet then.”

written by Jokester

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your

Twinkie.”

She says, “I know. I’m gonna get boobs too.”

written by Jokester

Scott finally got his
girlfriend into bed,
and things were going hot and heavy.

“Slow down, baby,” she said.
“Foreplay is an art.”

“You better get your canvas ready soon,”
he panted, “because I’m
about to spill
my paint!”

written by Jokester

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
“I’ve got a
big
problem, doctor.”
“Every time we’re in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell.” “My dear,”
the doctor said, “that’s
completely
natural.
I don’t see
what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained,
“it wakes
me up!”

written by Jokester

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force

One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy.”
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy.”
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, “I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy.”
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, “I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole

country happy.”

written by Jokester

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day
when
he comes across
a very old bottle. He’s just dusting it off
when two rather tired
looking
genies pop out “Two genies!” he
exclaims. “That must mean six
wishes!”
“Sorry, buddy, it’s three
or nuthin’,” say the genies, “and hurry
up”.
The guy makes his
three wishes and races off home to see if they’ve
been granted. He
gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad,
passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where
he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his
luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open
it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string

him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their
white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, bot
h looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and
says, “I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the
world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black
man?”

written by Jokester

A market researcher called at a house and his

knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children
running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his
questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his
company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many
products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When
asked if
she used it, the answer was “Yes.” Asked how she used
it,
she said, “To assist sexual intercourse.” The interviewer
was amazed.
He said, “I always ask that question because
everyone uses our
product and they always say they use
it for the child’s bicycle chain,
or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual
intercourse. Since you’ve
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use
it?”
“Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

written by Jokester

A retired
four-star general ran into his
former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come
work for
him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were
in the
army,”
the general said. “Nothing to it - you’ll catch on again

fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the

ex-general’s
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general
a gentle shake,
strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked
his employer’s wife on her bottom
and said,
“OK, sweetheart,
it’s back to the village for you.”

written by Jokester

A drunk gets
up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes
into
the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s

all the

screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to

flush,something

comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says… “You

idiot!”
“You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

written by Jokester

A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn’t
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he’s only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off.”

written by Jokester

The night before her wedding, the

bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” she
said, “I want you to teach me
how to make my new husband happy.”

The mother took a deep breath
and began, “When two people love, honor,
and
respect each other,
love can be a very beautiful thing…”

“I know how to fuck,
mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want
you to teach
me how to
make a great lasagna.”

written by Jokester

A five year old boy and his grandfather are

sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out
of a cooler. the little boy
asked,
“Grandpa, can I have a beer?”
Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch
your
ass?”
The little
boy answered no.
Grandpa said “Then you’re not man enough to have a
beer.”
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked,
“Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked,
“Can your dick touch
your
ass?” The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, “Then your not
man
enough to have a cigar.” A
little later, the little boy came out of
the
house With a
cookie.
Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”
The boy asked “Can your dick
touch your ass?”
Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my
ass!” The boy
replied,
“Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me.”

written by Jokester

A
husband and wife are in bed watching “Who
Wants to be a Millionaire”.

The husband asks for sex.

The
wife says, “No.” >
Her husband asks,
“Is that your final answer?”
>
She responds, “Yes.”

He says,

“Then, I’d like to
call a friend.”

written by Jokester

A couple was having some
trouble, so they
did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few
visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that
he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the
woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a
hug.
He looked at the
man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a
day!”
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “OK, what time do

you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?”

written by Jokester

Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet
arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It’s not a roll, it’s a
bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It’s not a bun, it’s a bap.
-
Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain
in the neck! You can’t
even make up your mind!

written by Jokester

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river

and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey
pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys,
just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the
crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in
his place.
Winnie, inhaling,
is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a

crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

written by Jokester

An American tourist went into
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.

“Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter
replied.

“The what, you say?” exclaimed the
tourist.

“They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,”

explained the
waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: “Today’s cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday.”

“True, senor,” agreed the
waiter. “You see the bull, he does not
always lose.”

written by Jokester

A couple just got married, and when the husband
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.

She
replied:
“These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week.”
The husband answered:
“But it’s only been two days what
do u mean a week?”

“I am only here to get something to eat.”

written by Jokester

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you

have to help me!”
The doctor asks, “What’s your problem?”
The
guy says, “Every morning I wake up with my ‘morning

flagpole’…give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I

carpool
with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss’s wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw…….”
“So…????” asked the doctor. “What’s your
problem???”
The guy says, “Well, it hurts when I masturbate!”

written by Jokester

On the first day
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
“The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50.”

He continued, “Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How
much
for a season pass?”

written by Jokester

The president got off the helicopter in

front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine
guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
“Nice pigs, sir”.
The president replied, “These are
not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea.”
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied,
“Nice trade, sir.”

written by Jokester

A man wakes up early one morning and
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, “You’ve got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I’ll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I’m gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.

Make up your mind before I get back.
“The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, “Well what’s it
gonna be?
“She say’s,
“There’s no way I’m going Bear hunting
and you’re not doing my ass
so I guess it’s a blowjob.
“A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
“Jesus, you taste like shit.”"Oh yeah,”
he replies,
“The dog didn’t want to go Bear hunting’ either.”

written by Jokester

Three guys are
drinking in a bar when a
drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex
in town!”
Everyone expects
a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off
and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk

comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom,
and it was
sw-e-et!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and
the drunk goes back to the
far end
of the bar. Ten minutes
later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom
liked it!”
Finally the
guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

written by Jokester

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After

listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He

pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he
can’t believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,

the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, “Hey, do you

know
anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back,
“Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?”

written by Jokester

One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
“the leaves on the trees are absolutely green” the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don’t believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
” well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!”

written by Jokester

A murderer,
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, “Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn’t seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don’t
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!”

“Darling,” the wife said, spitting out her gag.
“I’m so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you’re really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom.”

written by Jokester

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that’s so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,

“Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize

written by Jokester

A salesman was testifying in
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. “Please
describe,” said his attorney,
“the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife’s fidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all
week,” the man testified.
“So naturally
when I am home, I’m
attentive to the wife.” “One Sunday morning,”
he continued,
“we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?’

written by Jokester