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A nurse had to
take a patient
back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the
effects of
the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made
her
comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who
asked,
“How is she?”
The nurse replied, “Oh, she’s quite dopey.”
One
of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she
healthwise?”

written by Jokester

When a car skidded on wet pavement
and struck a telephone pole,
several bystanders ran over to help the
driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed
in and
pushed her back.
“Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve
taken a course in first aid.”
The woman watched him for a few
minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
“Pardon me,” she said. “But when you
get to the part about calling a
doctor, I’m right here.”

written by Jokester

The patient: Tell me, is it true that

alcohol decreases blood pressure?
Doctor: Yes, that is
true.
P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?
D: Yes,
that is also true.
P: So, in average, I live normally.

written by Jokester

Jack: “My brother was sick and

went to the doctor.”
John: “Is he feeling better now?”
Jack: “No,
he has a broken arm.”
John: “How did he break it?”
Jack: “Well,
the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter
what
happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew
out of
the window.”
John: “How did he break his arm?”
Jack: “He fell out
of the window trying to follow the
prescription.”

written by Jokester

Doctor: “Good news you passed your
hearing test!”
Patient: “HUH”

written by Jokester

“Doctor, doctor!” said the
panic-stricken woman,
“my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s
swallowed a
mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the
doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of
cheese to a piece of string and
lower it into your husband’s mouth. As
soon as the mouse takes a
bite haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to
the fishmonger
straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do
you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to
get the cat out first!”

written by Jokester

A coffin was being moved
when it
fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the
morticians
started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician

yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, “Doc, quick, give
me
something to stop this coffin.”

written by Jokester

The ninety-year-old man was in for

his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry
an
eighteen year old girl. “Now, Mr. Jenkins,” the nurse
practitioner
warned, “you should know that when a man your age marries an

eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt.” The old man
shrugged, “If she
dies, she dies.”

written by Jokester

1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan
in the
refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it
took too much skin off.

written by Jokester

How can you tell who is the head
nurse
of a facility? She’s the one with dirty knees.

written by Jokester

How many nurses does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
None - They just have a nursing assistant do
it.

written by Jokester

Fireman rescued a
man who was
badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his
body was
torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The
doctors
said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much
left.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m
God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the
earth

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor you’ve
taken out
my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins
and my
appendix, but I still don’t feel well.
That’s quite enough out of
you !

written by Jokester

Doctor how can I cure my sleep
walking
?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor will this
ointment
clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I feel like a
racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’m a burglar
!
Have you taken anything for it ?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an

insect spinning around.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going
around !doc

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I need something to

keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a
moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the
window…!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’m on a
diet and
it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that’s a lot of calories !

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking

I’m a nit
Will you get out of my hair !

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

caterpillar
Don’t worry you’ll soon change !

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

snake about to shed it’s skin
Why don’t you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then !

written by Jokester

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red
magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

written by Jokester

What kind of physician works on a

cruise liner?
A dry doc.

written by Jokester

What do you get if you have strep
throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the two
podiatrists who
opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch
enemies.

written by Jokester

The patient shook his doctor’s hand

in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would
not
want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you
to know
that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very
kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, “May I
see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a
little
change…”

written by Jokester

Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle
of aspirin and
a pot of glue?
Why?
Because I’ve been at my
computer all day and I’ve got a splitting
headache!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, my little brother
thinks he’s a computer.
Well bring him in so I can cure him.
I
can’t, I need to use him to finish my homework.

written by Jokester

What’s the difference
between a
nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.

written by Jokester

A nurse was
showing some student
nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most
hazardous
section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are
almost
well.”

written by Jokester

A doctor is going round the ward with
a nurse and they
come to the first bed where the chap is laying
half dead.
“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks
the
doctor.
“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight
tablets every two
hours!”

At the next bed the next patient also
appears half dead.
“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every
twelve hours?”
“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,”
replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well
and truly deceased,
not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor,
“did you prick his
boil?”
“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the
nurse.

written by Jokester

The nurse who can smile when

things go wrong is probably going off duty.

written by Jokester

Why did the nurse always insist on

using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because
nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her
patient’s
best side.

written by Jokester

Did you hear about the nurse who died
and went
straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that
she wasn’t at work
anymore!

written by Jokester

How many nurses does it take to
change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do
it.
As much as the doctor orders.

written by Jokester

How many triage nurses does it take
to
change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four
hours in the waiting
room.

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How many doctors does it take to
change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him
which end to screw
in.

written by Jokester

“The doctor said he would have me on

my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the
car to pay the bill.”

written by Jokester

An old fellow came
into the
hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected gallbladder.
The
surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients
be up
and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent

blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the

hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he

complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep
walking
him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His
family came to pick him
up and thanked the surgeon profusely for
what he had done for their
father. The surgeon was pleased and
appreciated the thanks, but told them
that it was really a simple
operation and we had been lucky to get him
in time. “But doctor, you don’t
understand,” they said, “Dad
hasn’t walked in over a year!”

written by Jokester

A man goes to the eye doctor. The

receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep
seeing spots
in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you
ever seen a doctor?” and the man
replies, “No, just spots.”

written by Jokester

Patient: I always see spots before my
eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I
see the spots much clearer.

written by Jokester

A man needing a
heart transplant
is told by his doctor that the only heart available is
that of a
sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the
sheep
heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in

for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man

replies “Not BAAAAD!”

written by Jokester

What’s the difference between a

general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the
other thinks you have what he
treats.

written by Jokester

What is a double-blind study?
Two
orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

written by Jokester

At a medical
convention, a male
doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male
doctor
asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the

restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner,
one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel
bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says
she has
to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After
the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her

hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a
surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always
washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an
anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I
didn’t feel a thing.”

written by Jokester

How many physiotherapists
does it
take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some
exercises to do and hope it
will be working a bit better the next
time they see it.

written by Jokester

“Why are you so
excited?”, the
surgeon asked the patient that was about to be
anesthetized.
“But
doc, this is my first operation.”
“Really? It’s mine too, and I am
not excited at all.”

written by Jokester

“What do you do?” a young man asked

the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.” “I wish I

could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear. “That

would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”

written by Jokester

A man who was very
upset walked
in to see his doctor. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me!”
he wailed.
“What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor. “I keep
having the
same dream, night after night. There’s this door with a
sign on
it, and I push and push the door but I can’t get it open.”
“What
does the sign say?” asked the Doctor. “Pull,” said the
patient.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of
bats, creepy-crawlies, demons,
ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves
and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in
alphabetical
order?

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There were ten zebras in the zoo. All
but nine escaped. How many were
left? Nine!

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Nurse: Would you like an appointment
for next week?
Patient: No, I’m sick now.

written by Jokester

Jack went to see the camp nurse. ‘I

fell last night,’ he said. ‘And I was unconscious for eight
hours.’
The nurse was shocked. ‘How awful. What happened?’
‘I fell
asleep!’

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Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better
today!
Camper: It should, I practised all night!

written by Jokester

A man walks into a doctor’s office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in
his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the
doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

written by Jokester

Patient: Doctor,
what should I do
if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

written by Jokester

A young woman went to her doctor
complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You
have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you
mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more

specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

“Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

“Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even

THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully
for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, “You have a broken
finger.”

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few
minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you
like.

written by Jokester

Patient:
Doctor, I think I
swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little
down in the mouth.

written by Jokester

A baseball manager who had an

ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. “Remember,” the doctor

said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball

when you’re off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come
you
let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and
two men
out in the ninth?”

Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him
now. Next.

written by Jokester

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering

from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone
with
pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it
won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with
pneumonia he will die
of pneumonia.”

written by Jokester

Patient: Doctor, you must help me.

I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did,
didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

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Patient: Doctor, if
I give up
wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It
will just seem longer.

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A man, seeking to lose
some of
his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose
twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head
off.

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A doctor has come to see one of

his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both

of his hands.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and
dramatically holds up his
heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the
piano when these
bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,”
replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t
able to play it
before.”

written by Jokester

A man went to see his doctor because

he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some

pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor
gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any
good.

On his third
visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot
bath. As soon
as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand
in the
draft.”

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll
get
pneumonia.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure
pneumonia.”

written by Jokester

Patient (to
cosmetic surgeon):
Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs
Brown.

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Doctor: Did you know
that there
are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor!
There are three dogs outside in the waiting
room!

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A new arrival, about to enter
hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower
beds.

“Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”

“No,”
replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant
for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

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Mary:
My daughter believes in
preventative medicine, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary:
Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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What’s the difference between a

surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an
hour, it’ll probably
stop whining.

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The seven-year old girl told her mom,
“A boy in my class
asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the
mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me
wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company.”

written by Jokester

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He
called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even
make that
much as a doctor!.”
The plumber quietly answered,
“Neither did I when I was a
doctor.”

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Doctor: Have you ever had this
before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!

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Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My

son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll
be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The
toast is getting
cold!

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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little
girl
doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No
change yet.

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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the
waiting
room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does
he call his other eye?

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A doctor and a nurse were
called
to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people
to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It’s a big
building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not
important now!

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Doctor: Did you take the patient’s
temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

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Three nurses went to heaven, and were

awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the
pearly
gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an
emergency room. We tried our
best to help patients, even though
occasionally we did lose one. I think I
deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter
looks at her file and admits her
to heaven.

The second nurse
says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very
high stress
environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are
too sick and
we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter
looks at her
file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a
case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls
out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly
going back to the nurse’s file.
After a few minutes St. Peter
looks up, smiles, and says,
“Congratulations! You’ve been admi
tted to heaven … for five days!”

Harry was in the
hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the
young nurse came in
and said in a patronising tone, “And how are we doing
this
morning?”

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received
breakfast, and
pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He
had been given
a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You
know where the
juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the
urine bottle and said, “It seems we
are a little cloudy today…”
At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of
her hand, drinked its
contents, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through
again, maybe I can filter
it better this time.”

written by Jokester

Interns think of God, residents pray

to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

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Doctor, Doctor you’ve taken out my

tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my

appendix, but I still don’t feel well.
That’s quite enough out of
you!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got bad teeth,

foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you’ve got Foot and
Mouth disease!

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Doctor, Doctor my
husband smells
like fish
Poor sole!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a
spider
What a web of lies!

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Doctor, Doctor I’m a
burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

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Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image

of his father
Never mind just so long as he’s healthy!

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Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my
memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a rubber
band
Why don’t you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell
me all
about it!

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Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I’m a
liar
I can’t believe that!

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Doctor, Doctor I need something to
keep my
falling hair in
What about a matchbox!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing
double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an
insect
spinning around.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going
around!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I
think I’m a
moth
Get out of the way, your in my light!

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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a

dog!
Sit!

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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I
ouldn’t start watching any new soap operas!

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Doctor, Doctor
I’m having
trouble with my breathing.
I’ll give you something that will soon put a
stop to that!

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Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of

my head show?
Absolutely nothing!

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Doctor Doctor I’m so ugly what can I
do about
it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

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Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get
to
sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.

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Doctor, Doctor
You’ve got to
help me - I just can’t stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a
lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m

a woodworm
How boring for you!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a
bridge
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m
an
electric eel
That’s shocking!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a python

You can’t get round me just like that you know!

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The Doctor was
puzzled “I’m very
sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I
think it must
be drink. ”

“Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back
when you’re
sober.”

written by Jokester

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I
in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a
bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news
and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear
first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured
so badly that we had to amputate both of
them.

Patient:
That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in
the next ward who made a very good offer on
your slippers.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’ve broke my
arm
in two places
Well don’t go back there again then!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a

dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m turning

into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet!

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a

yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along!

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Doctor, Doctor I dream there are
monsters
under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your
bed!

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Doctor, Doctor When I press with my
finger
here… it hurts, and here… it hurts, and here… and here…
What
do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my
finger
here… it hurts, and here… it hurts, and here… and
here… What do
you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken
finger!

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I feel like
biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter
on?
Yes!
Oh, You’re Crackers!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just
swallowed
a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing
develops.

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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
pair
of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

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Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I

keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!

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Doctor, doctor my baby’s swallowed a

bullet
Well don’t point him at anyone until I get there!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’ve just swallowed a

pen
Well sit down and write your name!

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Doctor, Doctor I’m becoming

invisible.
Yes I can see you’re not all there!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking

I’m a frog
What’s wrong with that
I think I’m going to croak

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

vampire.
Necks please!

written by Jokester

Doctor how can I cure my sleep
walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she
is
a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can’t she doesn’t stop
at this floor!

written by Jokester

Doctor: You seem to be in

excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That’s
because you’ve got your hand on my watch!

written by Jokester

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That’s because you’ve got your hand on my watch!

written by Jokester

Doctor,
Doctor, everyone keeps
ignoring me.
Next please!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like
a tee-pee and
other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You’re too
tents.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not
allowed up on the couch!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’ve a split

personality
Well, you’d better both sit down then!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep
thinking
I’m a nit
Will you get out of my hair!

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

caterpillar
Don’t worry you’ll soon change!

written by Jokester

Doctor these pills you gave me for

BO…
What’s wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from
under my arms!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor everyone
keeps
throwing me in the garbage.
Don’t talk rubbish!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaad!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

mosquito
Go away, sucker!

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a
moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the
window…!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep
getting
pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon
out?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a

spoon!
Well sit still and don’t stir!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of

cards.
I’ll deal with you later.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something

for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit
yourself in the head. Then
you’ll have a bad headache.

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there
is two
of me
One at a time please

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment
clear up my
spots?
I never make rash promises!

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I feel like a
racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

written by Jokester

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps

thinking she’s invisible!
What sister?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’m on a diet and

it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that’s a lot of calories!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second

opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me

out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking

I’m God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then
the earth…

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep
thinking
I’m invisible
Who said that?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a

snake about to shed it’s skin.
Why don’t you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then!

written by Jokester

Doctor: You need new glasses

Patient: How do you know?, I haven’t told you whats wrong with me
yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the
window!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a
snail
Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I
feel like an
apple.
We must get to the core of this!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a

butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’m boiling
up!
Just simmer down!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m an adder

Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I
keep painting
myself gold
Don’t worry it’s just a gilt complex!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed
my
pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a
bell?
Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I
think I’m
suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn’t I see you yesterday?

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can
you
give me something?
Yes - here’s a kite!

written by Jokester

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from
running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a
lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

written by Jokester

Doctor, doctor I keep
thinking
I’m a bee
Buzz off can’t you see I’m busy?

written by Jokester

A doctor and his wife were having a
big
argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he
shouted and stormed off to
work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d
better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in
bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second
opinion.”

written by Jokester

Did you hear the new penalty for

speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets
and the second offense
they make you use them.

written by Jokester

The surgeon told his patient that woke
up after
having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to
operate you
again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you.”

“Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay
for them if you
just leave me alone.”

written by Jokester

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a
bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

written by Jokester

Doctor, Doctor I think I need
glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

written by Jokester